Happy New Year – My Soulmate

I feel incredibly intoxicated by the loneliness I feel as I write today. And as I have nothing to lose, I feel really powerful to challenge the universe to give me exactly what I want. I’ve simply prayed before to seek things and it never worked. Maybe the intentions weren’t powerful enough and so I’ve decided to set things straight this year. Oh by the way –

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING! May this year bring incredible peace, prosperity, humor, love, abundance, and joy to this world. May the matter of the universe bestow its very best upon us and may we have mercy upon each other. May we stop judging each other. May we, as humanity, be able to pull ourselves out of the hole that we’ve dug for ourselves. Let’s just ride! Ride through the wind, in the sun, beneath the moon, beside the seas and the rivers, touching the base and the summits of the mountains, basking in their glory.

“Let us all pray, with all of our most powerful intentions and purest hearts, to embrace the Goddess energy within ourselves, to bring all of us to a new understanding and value of life. Let us have a vision that inspires us to live and love on planet Mother Earth. Let us all realize that like a priceless jewel, buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time.” – Prayer created from the song Gamemaster by Lost Tribe.

Not digressing any more, my new year resolution is that I’ll blatantly, without any judgement, with love and purity in my heart, and never at behest of anyone’s loss/detriment, ask the universe for all that I need and deserve. I’ll, for once, let the power go off from my hands and just lay it in the hands of the Source to provide me with all the positive experiences that I haven’t yet had in my life. For a long time which is like forever, I’ve let myself be bogged down by the thought that I simply don’t deserve good things and experiences. It’s a limiting belief and I’ve decided that I’ll discontinue this pattern. For once, the universe is hell bent on letting me know that this year is all about abundance to me and I’ll reap only as much as I ask for. And for this I’ll go out and simply ask – my God, my angels, my ascended master, and my ancestral spirits.

Here I am right now to seek my soul mate. I know that there may be multiple soul mates for my life but the image I have about her is as follows. Now there is an assumption and I’ll let the universe decide if it is correct or not – I have assumed that my soul mate is out there somewhere looking for me just as I am looking for her. And as I am writing this, she is dying to find me, be with me, and get loved by me because she knows she deserves me. She loves me unconditionally. She has the smile like a glowing star and eyes that twinkle like 2 of them. She is about medium height, not too tall, not too short, has the the right amount of flesh in the right places that make her immune to diseases, not too heavy, not too slim, a pure Goddess in human form. She has face full of compassion, black hair, deep wise black eyes, a pretty nose, lips that aren’t scared to break into smile and that decide to pout only when she looks at me. Her heart has the childishness of a woman who knows the kind of humor I like. Her gazes at me penetrate right thru to my heart. She wants to know, accept, and work on all my secrets with me. She is willing to dive deep inside me to bring forth my power and masculinity. Every moment with her is intimacy, love, touches, kisses, a whole lot of laughter, and romance that blinds me to the problems of the world. She is an independent woman, capable of guiding herself and me and yet never hesitant to seek my help and advice. She is the person who balances and completes me. She loves literature, deep spiritual talks, meditation and fine discussions.

There you go – I’ve laid it out for the universe to now start to find such a woman, bring her to me or me to her. And I thank the universe for having already started to conjure up my special moment of MAGIC!

I addition to this I also lay it out to the universe to fulfill all of my intentions that I have laid out in my vision board. Please include abundance as well –

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Do You Ever Look At Yourself?

I was walking my dog a few days ago and realized that I once used to have a line that I uttered often –

“You know why people hate me and don’t want to with me – that’s because I act as their mirror. With me they see their demons”.

Back then, it was something that I used to be particularly proud of. Just to let my readers know, that my skills with people are rather questionable and sometimes downright irritating because I do tend to drag them out of their comfort zones which in turn becomes, and it normally is, my playground.

I am a Scorpion and my tendency to look beyond peoples facades is persistent to the point that it causes significant discomfort to them in their heads. Now this is something I can never leave as I love and totally accept people who are willing to bare themselves to me. That’s when I become their friend. They, in turn, then help me open up to them and that is when the probability of me to start to like them increases exponentially. Yes, some of things I’m saying right now may sound like limiting beliefs but I’m talking about my comfort here and there is absolutely no harm in being comfortable all the time. I’ve built a life around me, whether consciously or unconsciously, and my heart and my head are only in sync in public, or with people and closed ones, when they are open to me, when lies are only a figment of imagination and a means to only a joke/humor/comedy/satire. Yes, I love fun too.

Anyway not digressing any further from the topic that triggered this post, I’m talking about people and how they’ve shaped my present in ways that are difficult to control with my kind of personality. I think I have a great need for acceptance. I also have trust issues. I need to be accepted but then there is also a need for me to understand them before I accept them (yes, I know it’s a terrible sentence but I’m still working on my verbosity). In order to accomplish this, I go beyond all measures to really test how truthful the other person is and how long can he really continue to be truthful. I try and understand if there are any trigger mechanisms when they absolutely have to lie. Basically all that I am trying to do is make the other person predictable to me so that I understand if it is easy to handle them and will they be easier to handle later. And the easiest way for me, I’ve found, is that I start mimicking them in their actions and words. I lie when they lie and then I wait for them to find out that I had lied to them. When they do eventually complaint to me about my lie, then I tell them that my lie was a conscious choice to lie in response to their lie.

Some may now argue as to why go thru such a painful and time-consuming process to instill, what some may call, basic sense. Well, from my experiences I’ve found that it all boils down to realization and realization has to be imprinted on the subconscious else it will fade over time.

The problem though that I’ve found with this process is that my entire life and routine goes up in smoke for my mind has to constantly be in test mode for that one entity who hasn’t even fully entered my life yet. And trust me, it isn’t easy. It not only involves pushing the other person to his boundaries, but it pushes me to lie as well, which I truly hate. I become them. I take on their negative traits which are absolutely inessential to me and somewhere in my subconscious, I do land up with their imprint as well. I learn their manners, processes and mindsets which are poisonous. While I make a conscious effort to correct/heal them, I never apply the same to myself. I fail to heal myself and that’s my problem area. I have always failed to see that scars that I’m carrying from other peoples’ lives and the fears that their mentality embeds in my subconscious have almost ruined my own life.

So how do I get rid of these habits of testing, evaluating and then accepting? For the first step, I’ve decided to heal myself first. I’ll give time to myself and try and stop my train of thoughts; I’ll quieten myself down and realize that this dual nature, of being myself and being someone else at the same time, is only attracting duality and distrust and as a result a failure to accept me in their lives. I realize that I am to completely get rid of this urge to be accepted; that it’s childish and I am more than capable of handling myself in this world; that I am fearless. I have to realize that my authenticity will only attract genuine people who will honestly either accept me or discard me but never keep me in limbo, thereby reducing my anxiety and hopefully my addictions as well.

My Voice

Have you ever heard yourself?

Ok! As we ascertained in my last post, and as my consciousness and I deciphered, what I actually thought is my God, isn’t really my God. As we’ve also found that my consciousness knows who actually is my God and that discussion is for later when I have gathered enough about spirits. But first, we’ve got to do something about its name – consciousness, also awareness, are rather long words, so let me just simply call him “Buddy”. I don’t anyways have a lot of friends so having a buddy full time could do me a lot of good. 😉

Le Buddy – “So you finally christened me! How does it feel to finally have a friend?”

Le Me – “You know, it’s terrific! I somehow feel very light right now. The fact that I’ll always have someone to talk to, to resolve my conflicts with, to call upon when in doubt, gives me a lot of hope and a very different sense of freedom. I love it already! Thank You!”

“Well, I’m glad that even having me around is so relieving for you. I haven’t felt you so light in years.”

“True that bro! Anyway today I was reminiscing the days when my mother’s voice was everything for me, when her voice was my command. I used to be so scared that after a while I may have changed my fright into a sense of responsibility that I have even today towards home and my family.”

“So you think it is your fear of her voice that turned you into this responsibility freak?”

“It is possible, isn’t it? But the worse things started to happen to me. I could hear my mother’s voice even when she wasn’t around, it was like an echo but it happened whenever it wanted. You know that echo was always my name, a shriek, like it never wanted me to go away, like it always wanted me close. More often than not, it was my mother’s voice but I’ve heard my wife’s voice too, but never my dad’s or brother’s voice. I guess I’ve heard my name very few times from these two guys.”

“Do you hear her these days? I mean how often has it happened since you left your mother?”

“Far too regularly to be comfortable. It totally freaks me out.”

“Do you dream about her when you sleep? During your days, do you think about her in any form?”

“Dreams? Definitely YES. But not during day time as such. But it’s just not with my mother you see. May be I hear her a lot because I spent a lot of time with her and under her shadow, also the reason why it took me so long to finally grow up and understand things on my own, but I also her my wife. The funny part here is, she never ever calls me by my name in front of me. I’ve so rarely heard my name from her, it’s like I was born for the nicknames that she so abundantly showers upon me.”

“Do you think it is an issue? Why were you recalling this?”

“Because I’m starting to believe that somewhere in my childhood lays buried my true art, my true purpose. And I’m also starting to believe that I was never an ordinary child. Everything I have accomplished till date holds no meaning to me till I find out that it has all been for a purpose, a great purpose, may be only towards me but it has to be great. I’ve seen and felt enough things in my life that keep making me go back towards my childhood and dig out all that has been dumped beneath a rubble. I need to understand that what I am today – is it the result of a sudden cataclysm or was it a slow poison that has taken roots so deep inside me that scratching it away will surely make me bleed. Both of them will make me bleed, but remember that it is not the bleeding that scares me, but the skeletons in the closet that I’m very scared to discover. What will they be?”

“Have you ever tried talking to your brother about all this?”

“I genuinely believe that not a single person in my family is worth talking to. They won’t understand me.”

“Keep thinking and voicing your thoughts to me dude… this one seems really perplexing. May be it’ll solve itself over time. But till then enjoy my company. Let’s start to have some amazing time together. Let’s see to what frequency we can eventually raise you to. Remember, our ultimate goal is to reach our higher self.”