Happy New Year – My Soulmate

I feel incredibly intoxicated by the loneliness I feel as I write today. And as I have nothing to lose, I feel really powerful to challenge the universe to give me exactly what I want. I’ve simply prayed before to seek things and it never worked. Maybe the intentions weren’t powerful enough and so I’ve decided to set things straight this year. Oh by the way –

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING! May this year bring incredible peace, prosperity, humor, love, abundance, and joy to this world. May the matter of the universe bestow its very best upon us and may we have mercy upon each other. May we stop judging each other. May we, as humanity, be able to pull ourselves out of the hole that we’ve dug for ourselves. Let’s just ride! Ride through the wind, in the sun, beneath the moon, beside the seas and the rivers, touching the base and the summits of the mountains, basking in their glory.

“Let us all pray, with all of our most powerful intentions and purest hearts, to embrace the Goddess energy within ourselves, to bring all of us to a new understanding and value of life. Let us have a vision that inspires us to live and love on planet Mother Earth. Let us all realize that like a priceless jewel, buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time.” – Prayer created from the song Gamemaster by Lost Tribe.

Not digressing any more, my new year resolution is that I’ll blatantly, without any judgement, with love and purity in my heart, and never at behest of anyone’s loss/detriment, ask the universe for all that I need and deserve. I’ll, for once, let the power go off from my hands and just lay it in the hands of the Source to provide me with all the positive experiences that I haven’t yet had in my life. For a long time which is like forever, I’ve let myself be bogged down by the thought that I simply don’t deserve good things and experiences. It’s a limiting belief and I’ve decided that I’ll discontinue this pattern. For once, the universe is hell bent on letting me know that this year is all about abundance to me and I’ll reap only as much as I ask for. And for this I’ll go out and simply ask – my God, my angels, my ascended master, and my ancestral spirits.

Here I am right now to seek my soul mate. I know that there may be multiple soul mates for my life but the image I have about her is as follows. Now there is an assumption and I’ll let the universe decide if it is correct or not – I have assumed that my soul mate is out there somewhere looking for me just as I am looking for her. And as I am writing this, she is dying to find me, be with me, and get loved by me because she knows she deserves me. She loves me unconditionally. She has the smile like a glowing star and eyes that twinkle like 2 of them. She is about medium height, not too tall, not too short, has the the right amount of flesh in the right places that make her immune to diseases, not too heavy, not too slim, a pure Goddess in human form. She has face full of compassion, black hair, deep wise black eyes, a pretty nose, lips that aren’t scared to break into smile and that decide to pout only when she looks at me. Her heart has the childishness of a woman who knows the kind of humor I like. Her gazes at me penetrate right thru to my heart. She wants to know, accept, and work on all my secrets with me. She is willing to dive deep inside me to bring forth my power and masculinity. Every moment with her is intimacy, love, touches, kisses, a whole lot of laughter, and romance that blinds me to the problems of the world. She is an independent woman, capable of guiding herself and me and yet never hesitant to seek my help and advice. She is the person who balances and completes me. She loves literature, deep spiritual talks, meditation and fine discussions.

There you go – I’ve laid it out for the universe to now start to find such a woman, bring her to me or me to her. And I thank the universe for having already started to conjure up my special moment of MAGIC!

I addition to this I also lay it out to the universe to fulfill all of my intentions that I have laid out in my vision board. Please include abundance as well –

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Resistance

Pronunciation –

re·sist·ance rəˈzistəns

Definition –

the refusal to accept or comply with something; the attempt to prevent something by action or argument.

  • armed or violent opposition.
  • a secret organization resisting authority, especially in an occupied country.
  • the underground movement formed in France during World War II to fight the German occupying forces and the Vichy government.
  • the impeding, slowing, or stopping effect exerted by one material thing on another.

the ability not to be affected by something, especially adversely.

  • lack of sensitivity to a drug, insecticide, etc., especially as a result of continued exposure or genetic change.

the degree to which a substance or device opposes the passage of an electric current, causing energy dissipation. Ohm’s law resistance (measured in ohms) is equal to the voltage divided by the current.

  • a resistor or other circuit component that opposes the passage of an electric current.

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I’m realizing and recognizing the patterns that resistance creates within me. This force is the strongest wall that exists inside me and it’s as magical, mystical as it is natural, exoteric. It’s built of an accumulated wealth of my perceptions of pain and pleasure and others’ definitions of what births happiness and sorrow.

Why did I create this wall? From right when I was born, I was fed how to react to pain and pleasure differently. Pain and pleasure are polar opposites. While pain by definition is a symptom of (feelings of) hurt and hence, unwanted; pleasure by definition is something or someone that provides a source of happiness, and hence, it’s an experience sought by everyone.

Since my younger days, I’ve miscalculated pain and pleasure and I think I feel differently about their degrees of effect on me. While due to all the safe modern equipment, I am kept safe from physical hurt and hence, lesser physical pain, I do experience significant emotional pain from time to time. For some reason, rather unknown to me, I’ve realized that it is me who invites and applies that pain to myself. There is a rather self-destructing sound to it and I’m not very proud of it. And therefore, I created a wall inside me, that filters what goes in and what goes out.

All that permeates my skin encounters this barrier repeatedly. While some of the external forces that touch this wall dissipate effortlessly into rainbows, others are miraculously absorbed into it, only making it stronger. It’s a wall so high, it can only be the manifestation of a heart battered and bruised from brutalities and yet it is as strong and seamless like new. There seem no fissures, no holes that adorn it or maybe I’ve just not looked close enough.

It’s funny to think that I let my resistance keep me away from the enriching experiences of the world only because they served others differently.

Yet it’s amazing that this resistance keeps me. It maintains me. It keeps off the bad and allows the good, sparsely though. My egos – the alter and physical one alike feed on resistance. It’s the keeper of the most powerful frictional energy inside my mind. It’s an energy barrier that carries with it the fear of the known and unknown alike. Resistance is the culmination of a two faced monster called choice.

I think the only choice that we don’t have is of death. Else we choose at every living moment. Choice spoils us. Choices are mostly tough yet, can be easy. Choices, depending on their effect, can be classified into: good, neutral, and bad. The only downside of not choosing well is that it leaves with the longing for the other, better alternative. Otherwise, the purpose of a choice – good, neutral, or bad – is to lead you to another choice. A choice is never singular, in that I mean, no choice can be made to have no effect. The only thing consistent about choice is that every choice has an effect even if it was made to choose between bad and neutral. A choice always leaves you with a path that you’ve chosen – and thus friction. The friction between the types of choices we have to make every day and live with them, live in them. The memory of every choice rots us from the inside by pinning us to the past. A past that has choices as many as we’ll make in the future. But then we’re stuck to the future, one that we haven’t yet seen, a future that we can only plan on seeing, a future that is only as plausible as the result of the flip of a coin.

Resistance is a two way street. While the way in which the writer will eventually portray it, is negative, yet it is equally positive. In fact, when a child is born, society does  condition its children to first build a wall around them. Don’t do this, don’t do that! Parents teach their children to resist all that has been bad for them or for the equivalent others. While some of the resistance, and hence, fears, they feed a child with, are what you eventually need to survive, a mind can easily be disillusioned by the choices that he has at hand. While properly educated choices lead to better decisions, the choices made with half-baked knowledge often lead to failures. Failures increase the resistance to ever face such choices again and this is when resistance births fear. Human brain, as noisome as it is, doesn’t always know when to stop imparting the half-baked knowledge that resides inside it. Society breeds fear in the child’s mind about things that are supposed to hurt him. But they really aren’t aware if those things will really ever hurt him, and if they do, how much will they hurt him? Just like everyone has different longing for pleasure, they have different pain tolerances. Think closely and we’ll realize that when we don’t think before starting to instill fear in the minds of our children or ourselves, we are feeding perceptions and experiences that we’ve never actually had. That’s like disliking the food that we’ve never tasted or hating the man for a crime that he has never committed. And fear has as they say –

“Clearly, all fear has an element of resistance and a leaning away from the moment. Its dynamic is not unlike that of strong desire except that fear leans backward into the last safe moment while desire leans forward toward the next possibility of satisfaction. Each lacks presence. (29)”
― Stephen LevineA Year to Live: How to Live This Year as If It Were Your Last

Resistance is the ceiling that is tough to break through. I am right there. I feel the extreme cold, wet, impeding, tough vibes from the people around me. I feel this force every time I am hit by a thought that is supposed to inspire and enthrall me and yet I am confused only because I don’t trust my instincts any more. How can I leave them behind; the people that have led me to become the miserable person I am now, the situations that have tested my morals, my patience, my perseverance, my beliefs and the quintessential – my trust. I am nothing without trust. My world revolves around it. I don’t trust myself to make better choices for myself. I don’t trust others easily. While some may argue that I can start with a clean slate, it isn’t easy for me, for there is Resistance!