The Wall

I watched this video and started to think about myself again. How many chakras must the spirit in me have connected to? And I’m only talking about the basic 7 chakras. I asked myself – “how secure do I feel I am”?

The answer from inside was a shudder so powerful, I nearly fell off my chair. I realized, I have to start from basics again. I have to start working on myself again.

I’ve been thinking since 2 days now and I’ve realized that I can’t blame myself or anyone else if I feel insecure. This is something I should have worked upon very early but then who knew then that I’d have to delve so deep inside of me for answers that no one else on this planet has for me. Call it conditioning that I always look towards the world for answers that I should have had a long time ago. All others can only guide me to, may be at best, decipher the messages I get from within me. How foolish have I been all along!

I feel security of self, let’s call it self-security, is the basis of all things human. From the time we’re born, the first thing that our parents should give us is a sense of security about the world around us, to let us alleviate the first fears about the first people we feel around us. But I feel the need to go back 1-step. Why do we ever have to feel fear in the first place when we’re only just born? Or do our parents try and remove all possible sources of fear from around us only guided by their intuition which could be as fragile as a grass straw or to call it plainly – wrong? Their logic or thinking can be attributed to only one cause – their responsibility of providing us with a nurturing environment to grow up without a single hiccup. My worry in all this is – is their fear the compressed source of all fears that we face as a child? Do we borrow their fears to return their favor of bringing us into this world?

Now think about the case as follows – a child is born and sees parents who’re beyond several definitions of ecstatic. They are so elated that eyes can’t contain the excitement and they keep falling short of breaths while simply admiring your beauty. Yes, they’re still trying to hold you the best way possible, gently passing you around the arms of the other well-wishers. Yet instead of enjoying the moment, they start noticing the way, others are holding their child and is it the best that they can do? The new parents are worried of course whether be it that you are in more capable hands than their own. Does this fear sound irrational? Or is it the culmination of the unsurmountable distrust in all of humanity that no one except you can do the best for their child? Think about the number of injuries and numerous stabs that the parents individually would have gone through before they decided to get married and bring you into this world. They can and will only rely on their experience. That’s the way they have learnt in this world even though the knowledge mostly came from the all-knowing Google. I won’t even touch the fears that parents experience when you are being formed inside the womb or the fears after the passing-the-parcel match I described above. Can you think that right from the moment the parents hear the news that you may be on your way, they start to fear and fear they will, for and about you, all through their lives till they are alive. Is that irrational?

Yes, I understand I may be describing my situation here as well, as to why I don’t want to be a father right now. This may be the fear that’s eating me up but this discussion is for later.

So, take that 1 step ahead now from which we had stepped back. You’re growing up fast, blossoming every full moon, and then one day you see or learn something horrifying about either one of your parents. And you have no one to talk to – neither the other parent nor any of your siblings. So you silently dump the shit, take the bitter pill and go back to sleep, never knowing that this is the first of the innumerable and insufferable disturbing nights you’re preparing to have in the coming years. You see the culprit parent each day and they love you or pretend to love you and from here starts the cycle of distrust that’ll repeat till you’re absolutely full of the hurt which will never heal itself. If you can’t trust the only people who would supposedly die for you, will you ever trust anyone ever again? Think about the impact that such a simple situation would have on the psyche of the child that was only starting to make friends and see the more colorful pieces of life.

Jump ahead 20 years. Nothing has changed – the fake promises, the false semblances of love, the hateful backstabs. And I thought, I may have come ahead 32 years of my life from my birth, but I’ve never really developed my root chakra, the most important chakra in the development of a human. Think of a person who doesn’t trust anyone fully enough to confide in them, to support them, to love them without seeking something in return – this guy is a total mess and I guess so am I. I may have touched other chakras but without the root chakra, I don’t even trust the development of my inner self. Where am I and how far have I come? How much work do I need to do on myself? Will it ever end? Will it ever come to true fruition? What will death look like?

In such situations, a person can take either of the following 2 paths –

  1. Create a wall around himself, learning from experiences, torturing himself silently for every mistake he makes and vowing to return stronger every time he falls for he alone can support himself. Whether he does return stronger is a completely different story altogether. A person who creates a wall around himself and so fragile that everything around him pains him to the core. He’s learnt to accommodate pain just like he accommodates the people that hurt him every day and yet never trusting even the air that he lives on. Food hates him and so does water. He relies on logics but logics are a mere culmination of his experiences and academic learnings. Think of this guy’s logic – how negative will it be? He will never ever trust his intuition.
  2. The other way to go about it is to keep trusting everyone, no walls, but he keeps falling into the same trap again and again for he’s never ever truly learnt from his mistakes. The same type of friends, relatives, lovers – people who will only use him and throw him away. He tells people that he goes about trusting people by his intuition but think about the intuition that would have made him trust the people who fail him again and again. How much hurt is he going to see in his life? Is it time already to build that wall?

None of the situations is ideal. There may be a third choice which I am yet unaware of but that’s how things have panned out for me. Now think of the gazillion others just like me who refuse to believe in anything. What kind of world are we on the way to create for ourselves and others?

I pray for myself to get over my insecurities fast so I can start to trust myself and thus, connect to chakras better and faster for there is no other stronger need for me than to connect to my higher self and be that living light that shines the path for others in the best way possible.

Let me leave you with the original wall –

Refresh

Refresh

Le Buddy – “Do you think that you’ve been studying all wrong all your life?”

Le Me – “I’m really starting to think of it.”

“What is it that you think you need to change? Where should you start?”

“I think I need to begin with learning to ask the right questions at the right time. Never hesitate. I think curiosity is a must to build fresh perspectives. We’ve gotten very comfortable in our skins. Everything is so set in its routine, especially our knowledge and where it comes from, I think we need to start thinking anew to know our roots, “our” meaning the roots of humans.”

“Why do you want to go so far back?”

“Because I think that only then will we truly start to understand our value, the true value of all that we get from Mother Earth and the universe. We have to get to the beginning when it all started, to learn that all of us are equally sacred and all the negativity that separates us today is our own creation and no one else’s. It’s definitely not what life would have wanted us to be. We need to understand the oneness of our life, understand the union of our body and soul, to truly understand our function. I think we’ve lost our way and only now are we at the beginning when we can change everything around us. Build something new and great, do it for yourself and don’t be afraid to give and share, for it’ll all return to you. At every living moment we must remember and acknowledge that this universe runs on trade and balance will automatically happen. We need to pursue the multiplication of happiness.”

“Well, these are pretty big words.”

“Yes! But the actions required are small. Save water, plant trees, harness renewable energy which truly is abundantly available to us, stop creating plastic, use all our technology only to preserve what we have left. Meditate, cherish the silence of nature and the sound of your soul, try and connect with your higher self, believe in miracles and magic for it is all around us. Be empathic and watch how your children grow into beings and teach them to be good to mankind. I can go on and on but all of this is pretty simple. Let the nature know that you are working for it and not fighting against it and see the difference happening. Spread awareness but don’t infuse fear. Create!”

“All of this will surely refresh our perspective.”

My Voice

Have you ever heard yourself?

Ok! As we ascertained in my last post, and as my consciousness and I deciphered, what I actually thought is my God, isn’t really my God. As we’ve also found that my consciousness knows who actually is my God and that discussion is for later when I have gathered enough about spirits. But first, we’ve got to do something about its name – consciousness, also awareness, are rather long words, so let me just simply call him “Buddy”. I don’t anyways have a lot of friends so having a buddy full time could do me a lot of good. 😉

Le Buddy – “So you finally christened me! How does it feel to finally have a friend?”

Le Me – “You know, it’s terrific! I somehow feel very light right now. The fact that I’ll always have someone to talk to, to resolve my conflicts with, to call upon when in doubt, gives me a lot of hope and a very different sense of freedom. I love it already! Thank You!”

“Well, I’m glad that even having me around is so relieving for you. I haven’t felt you so light in years.”

“True that bro! Anyway today I was reminiscing the days when my mother’s voice was everything for me, when her voice was my command. I used to be so scared that after a while I may have changed my fright into a sense of responsibility that I have even today towards home and my family.”

“So you think it is your fear of her voice that turned you into this responsibility freak?”

“It is possible, isn’t it? But the worse things started to happen to me. I could hear my mother’s voice even when she wasn’t around, it was like an echo but it happened whenever it wanted. You know that echo was always my name, a shriek, like it never wanted me to go away, like it always wanted me close. More often than not, it was my mother’s voice but I’ve heard my wife’s voice too, but never my dad’s or brother’s voice. I guess I’ve heard my name very few times from these two guys.”

“Do you hear her these days? I mean how often has it happened since you left your mother?”

“Far too regularly to be comfortable. It totally freaks me out.”

“Do you dream about her when you sleep? During your days, do you think about her in any form?”

“Dreams? Definitely YES. But not during day time as such. But it’s just not with my mother you see. May be I hear her a lot because I spent a lot of time with her and under her shadow, also the reason why it took me so long to finally grow up and understand things on my own, but I also her my wife. The funny part here is, she never ever calls me by my name in front of me. I’ve so rarely heard my name from her, it’s like I was born for the nicknames that she so abundantly showers upon me.”

“Do you think it is an issue? Why were you recalling this?”

“Because I’m starting to believe that somewhere in my childhood lays buried my true art, my true purpose. And I’m also starting to believe that I was never an ordinary child. Everything I have accomplished till date holds no meaning to me till I find out that it has all been for a purpose, a great purpose, may be only towards me but it has to be great. I’ve seen and felt enough things in my life that keep making me go back towards my childhood and dig out all that has been dumped beneath a rubble. I need to understand that what I am today – is it the result of a sudden cataclysm or was it a slow poison that has taken roots so deep inside me that scratching it away will surely make me bleed. Both of them will make me bleed, but remember that it is not the bleeding that scares me, but the skeletons in the closet that I’m very scared to discover. What will they be?”

“Have you ever tried talking to your brother about all this?”

“I genuinely believe that not a single person in my family is worth talking to. They won’t understand me.”

“Keep thinking and voicing your thoughts to me dude… this one seems really perplexing. May be it’ll solve itself over time. But till then enjoy my company. Let’s start to have some amazing time together. Let’s see to what frequency we can eventually raise you to. Remember, our ultimate goal is to reach our higher self.”

Am I Fearless?

Let the conversation begin.

Le God – “When are you scared?”

Le Me – “I am scared when I have done something wrong.”

“Is that the only time when you’re scared son?”.

“Yes, as far as I can remember.”

“What happened when you were shivering in that hospital once?”

“You saw!!!??? You remember?”

“Oh yeah dude! Don’t you ever forget that what you know I know, what you see I see, what you hear I hear, I feel all that you feel – all your pain, emotions, all your sensations, I am your soul, I AM YOU.”

Le Me (head bowed) – “That night in hospital was the worst night. I was made to take some decisions, and I took them, and they have changed my life into what it is today.”

“Do you realize that what you are and what you have today is the grace of your deeds and your deeds alone?”

“Yes I do.”

“So, do you think you were scared in the hospital?”

“Yes I was.”

“What do you think went on down there?”

“I was scared if I’ll ever find her. I was scared of the consequences that I may have to face had something were to happen to her. I was scared of what people will think of me. All my fears precipitated at once. It was a mixture of emotions. I felt scared for her. I know she is fragile. I had no idea how she would react to panic. Was she even alive? Things were pretty out of my control.”

“Will you call this mixture of emotions as your love for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you say that you don’t trust her?”

“Because I didn’t. I couldn’t have trusted her with any version of her story especially with the way she had been with me for the past few months before the incident. What was real for me then was my own experience. The only real thing in my life then were my emotions, my fears. I couldn’t have placed my self-respect in the hands of anyone else then.”

“Do you think you handled the situation well?”

“Yes.”

“Is there nothing you could have done better?”

“It was my inability to trust her then that stopped me from dragging the situation with law. Who knows if I had had the courage and her trust in me, I would have gone ahead and pushed to have the culprits apprehended.”

“Why do you think she didn’t trust you?”

“I could always tell when she was lying to me. She isn’t very good with the lies. I had caught her many times trying to fool me. So clearly if she was lying to me, there were secrets that she couldn’t tell me because she never trusted me.”

“Do you trust her now?”

“I don’t care about trusting her anymore.”

“What if a similar situation were to repeat? What would you do?”

“Please don’t say that. I’m really scared of facing that situation again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I value freedom. I can’t control her free will. I couldn’t then, I can’t now. I value my freedom beyond all measures. And so I know she would value it too.”

“Should it matter to you if she values her freedom as much as you do?”

“No. But there’s a principle involved and it’s purely mine. No one else’s. I have to grant the same degree of freedom to everyone as much I grant to myself. Freedom to think, to act, to have faith, any faith.”

“So, what if that situation repeats?”

“I’ll probably be smarter now and not make the same mistakes again.”

“Is this what you wanted? Is this how you wanted your today to be? Are you satisfied with it?”

“Yes. I can’t control if she has learnt from her past. But I have taken my lessons.”

“What are they?”

“To never let my self-respect be placed in the hands of anyone else but mine especially someone or something that can’t be controlled. Nothing comes above and beyond it. Then I placed it in the hands of the trust that I didn’t have from her and which was beyond my control. But then that’s the danger you face when you get married.”

“So was this the reason your hands were trembling then?”

Le Me (looking up, smiling) – “Yes.”

So are you fearless now?”

“Yes.”

Conversation to be continued…

My Optimist

My Optimist

Believes in unity

Believes in honesty

Believes in integrity

Thrives on trust

Believes in equality

Believes in equity

Believes in keeping everything simple.

Seeks happiness from the smile of the most unfortunate

Seeks to educate

Believes in taking its own sweet time

Believes that there is always enough time.

Believes the Sun will always shine bright for you

The grass will always stay green

The trees want to hug you

The air whispers prayers in your ears

The fire in your heart is as fiery as the Sun

Faith is solid as a rock

The sky will always be blue

The stars and the moon will light the night.

Knows that no pain beats a mothers labour pain

Knows that no happiness beats the one that a dog experiences when the master arrives home

Knows that fear seeds all illness

Knows that no opponent hits harder than the truth

Knows that lies break relationships

The greatest relationship you must have is with yourself.