Do You Ever Look At Yourself?

I was walking my dog a few days ago and realized that I once used to have a line that I uttered often –

“You know why people hate me and don’t want to with me – that’s because I act as their mirror. With me they see their demons”.

Back then, it was something that I used to be particularly proud of. Just to let my readers know, that my skills with people are rather questionable and sometimes downright irritating because I do tend to drag them out of their comfort zones which in turn becomes, and it normally is, my playground.

I am a Scorpion and my tendency to look beyond peoples facades is persistent to the point that it causes significant discomfort to them in their heads. Now this is something I can never leave as I love and totally accept people who are willing to bare themselves to me. That’s when I become their friend. They, in turn, then help me open up to them and that is when the probability of me to start to like them increases exponentially. Yes, some of things I’m saying right now may sound like limiting beliefs but I’m talking about my comfort here and there is absolutely no harm in being comfortable all the time. I’ve built a life around me, whether consciously or unconsciously, and my heart and my head are only in sync in public, or with people and closed ones, when they are open to me, when lies are only a figment of imagination and a means to only a joke/humor/comedy/satire. Yes, I love fun too.

Anyway not digressing any further from the topic that triggered this post, I’m talking about people and how they’ve shaped my present in ways that are difficult to control with my kind of personality. I think I have a great need for acceptance. I also have trust issues. I need to be accepted but then there is also a need for me to understand them before I accept them (yes, I know it’s a terrible sentence but I’m still working on my verbosity). In order to accomplish this, I go beyond all measures to really test how truthful the other person is and how long can he really continue to be truthful. I try and understand if there are any trigger mechanisms when they absolutely have to lie. Basically all that I am trying to do is make the other person predictable to me so that I understand if it is easy to handle them and will they be easier to handle later. And the easiest way for me, I’ve found, is that I start mimicking them in their actions and words. I lie when they lie and then I wait for them to find out that I had lied to them. When they do eventually complaint to me about my lie, then I tell them that my lie was a conscious choice to lie in response to their lie.

Some may now argue as to why go thru such a painful and time-consuming process to instill, what some may call, basic sense. Well, from my experiences I’ve found that it all boils down to realization and realization has to be imprinted on the subconscious else it will fade over time.

The problem though that I’ve found with this process is that my entire life and routine goes up in smoke for my mind has to constantly be in test mode for that one entity who hasn’t even fully entered my life yet. And trust me, it isn’t easy. It not only involves pushing the other person to his boundaries, but it pushes me to lie as well, which I truly hate. I become them. I take on their negative traits which are absolutely inessential to me and somewhere in my subconscious, I do land up with their imprint as well. I learn their manners, processes and mindsets which are poisonous. While I make a conscious effort to correct/heal them, I never apply the same to myself. I fail to heal myself and that’s my problem area. I have always failed to see that scars that I’m carrying from other peoples’ lives and the fears that their mentality embeds in my subconscious have almost ruined my own life.

So how do I get rid of these habits of testing, evaluating and then accepting? For the first step, I’ve decided to heal myself first. I’ll give time to myself and try and stop my train of thoughts; I’ll quieten myself down and realize that this dual nature, of being myself and being someone else at the same time, is only attracting duality and distrust and as a result a failure to accept me in their lives. I realize that I am to completely get rid of this urge to be accepted; that it’s childish and I am more than capable of handling myself in this world; that I am fearless. I have to realize that my authenticity will only attract genuine people who will honestly either accept me or discard me but never keep me in limbo, thereby reducing my anxiety and hopefully my addictions as well.

Self Eval #3 – My Beliefs

Loyalty, Trust and Truth –

All of these are pivotal and form the base of the philosophy of my life. Loyalty is a product of trust which in turn is a product of truth. Why loyalty? Why trust? Why truth? That’s because how much of these 3 things you receive from others is a direct result of your true behavior with other people i.e. if you’re willing to give these things on the first place, will you ever truly get them back at 1:1 proportion.

All but truth take time to build. The more truthful you are, the more it encourages others to be honest to you. It’s all about a progression. First you have to start being truthful to yourself, then others who won’t matter much and then your true love. All the while it needs to be clearly understood that everything and everyone is a passing phase in your life and is there to give you lessons to learn and understand and make you reach closer to all that there truly is and will be – the elements of the Earth, the senses in your body (dormant and active both), your soul and it’s purpose in this life.

So coming back to truth, it starts with your conscious decision to never deride yourself, never letting your inner voice drown out your passion, never fearing and loathing your actions/words. Always realize that actions and words when done and said respectively, can’t be taken back and they are already a past. All that you can do is learn from them. Remember that it may sometimes take a lot of mistakes, both similar and distinct, to get an action/word right and that’s fine as long as you are putting an effort into learning from them. Never stop believing in yourself. As long as you are true to yourself, the lessons will well and truly come your way. All that we have to do is accept them gracefully and gratefully with a smile. And when you do these simple things and practice them daily, that is when you raise your vibrations and frequency. That is when you attract better people; discuss better things, and consequently raise the vibrations of others in the process. This is when you attract soul mates and people who are willing to trust you.

That is where trust comes in. People start to trust you when you are confident (which means being truthful to yourself) about your abilities; when the distance between your commitment and strengths is infinitesimally small; when your actions truly match your words. When people trust you, they find you approachable, connectable, and worth their time. This is when you show them your trust in them, make them your accomplice, partners. Only such frequencies and vibrations will attract and send signals to your soul mate.

To win loyalty from someone, development of a persistent and often foolhardy trust is needed and hence, a nature full of truth is required. Loyalty is a state of mind that is attained by prolonged trust and devotion to each other’s truth; by demolition and dissolution of barriers between the two minds.

I seek loyalty and I know I deserve it. And for it to come to me, I’m willing to submit to my master fully trusting his voice and commands. I seek a state of true trustworthiness from my friends and partner, something that dispels any thoughts about betrayal and disobedience. I seek a state where the true freedom is attained by true following and blind love – whether be it towards my master, my God, or my love, all of whom I’m yet to meet.

 

Self Eval #2 – World

The world is a beautiful place. It is a good place to be in. I humbly accept everything that this world teaches me. It is generally filled with good people with an odd one thrown in.

I find it amusing and perplexing, the way it functions with all these societal and political rules and regulations. There is ample of room for improvement but with the myriad of people constituting it along with their minds, ideas, egos and self-interests, there is only a certain level of perfection that can truly be achieved. I am fine with that as well. That’s because not everyone and everything can be perfect but we can all surely strive to be and raise the level of perfection and the collective level of earth consciousness. This can be done by uplifting ourselves spiritually, by grounding our self, by treating others just the way we would treat ourselves in every situation – fairly and truthfully. By understanding that there is a solution to every problem if we decide to look inside ourselves because all that we think about others, is in essence, what constitutes us. If you feel like ridiculing others, it is basically your insecurity and tendency to run away from situations by using words that can truly hurt someone else. All that you do and think, is what is precisely ingrained in you at a subconscious level and all of these can truly be understood and captured by meditating. By sitting in silence, remembering your God, your masters, your angels and ancestors, and asking them to guide you and by letting them know that all what you’ll receive will be gratefully and gracefully accepted. All that you have got to do is ask the questions. You’ll realize that the question is correct when you will receive an answer. All our follies can be corrected if we accept the lessons from every problem, maybe in this lifetime or the next one. What’s important is for our soul to evolve and advance in its learnings. Nothing else matters.

I love seeing people grow by learning from their mistakes and eventually evolve to becoming someone else altogether; all the while embedding their original traits in their characters. I like the way they have the ability to show something else while hiding what they truly feel. It’s a great talent that humans have perfected i.e. to create a facade for social acceptance and the funniest part is that everyone accepts it as a part of their day to day lives. It’s so natural to them that they sometimes don’t even know when they have lied to someone. I understand that they do this because it’s a win-win situation for everyone. Common understanding and remaining ignorant is way more important than the greater good.

Why do we need to understand someone else’s perception or thinking? Should we truly care about what others think? There are always 2 sides to coin and so here we go about this one and therefore, do remember that people can be forgiven to think the way they want to. If I care about what others would think, am I not allowing their energy to affect me? Am I not giving them a part of me? And yet the other argument is what if I am wrong and the other person is right. First off, right and wrong are mere perceptions. What they truly are, are lessons in disguises created by human emotions. What I believe in is, until I’m not  hurting someone or Mother Earth, I’m free to do whatever I want with myself and learn from my mistakes. Learning from mistakes should be second nature for everyone. My lessons are mine to learn and I thank God, my master, my angels and ancestors to have given them to me in this lifetime in order to further my soul’s advancement. I believe that the powers that exist beyond my understanding are only working towards my betterment and they always aim to uplift me spiritually.

Self Eval #1 – Unveiling Persona

  1. I am charming.
  2. I am brutally honest with my family and colleagues. Family because it helps them notice my evolution and their opinion does matter in my life. Also family should find me trust-worthy to believe me when I need them the most. Colleagues because it helps me build trust with them, something that is mandatory among team members for better communication and eradication of ego which prevents smooth functioning and causes delays in my work.
  3. I’m not honest with people that lie to me and God has given me a special ability to figure out who is lying to me. It is only with them that I start creating random stories to fool them, in the process lying myself. I think it’s wrong on my part to behave in such a shallow manner but sometimes they deserve what they set out to dish out to me.
  4. I am an intensely emotional with a lot of my emotions stowed away inside of a heart locker. My ability to display my affection or empathy towards situations and people is hampered because of having been fooled umpteen number of times by people who only cared for themselves and never my emotions. And so I often take weird ways to display what I feel – anger, hugs, silence, humor, sarcasm.
  5. I do a lot of things out of my comfort zone only to please people and get in their good books, mainly to gain recognition. Somehow, this never reflects at my workplace. It’s only limited to my family and people I find trust-worthy, which is quite ironical because if they are so close to me I would and should already be present in their good books. Does this reflect my distrust towards them? Need to think about it.
  6. Coming to trust, I have severe trust issues mostly because I either tend to trust people blindly or never trust someone at all.

This list may continue but this is all that are pouring out of my mind.

The Wall

I watched this video and started to think about myself again. How many chakras must the spirit in me have connected to? And I’m only talking about the basic 7 chakras. I asked myself – “how secure do I feel I am”?

The answer from inside was a shudder so powerful, I nearly fell off my chair. I realized, I have to start from basics again. I have to start working on myself again.

I’ve been thinking since 2 days now and I’ve realized that I can’t blame myself or anyone else if I feel insecure. This is something I should have worked upon very early but then who knew then that I’d have to delve so deep inside of me for answers that no one else on this planet has for me. Call it conditioning that I always look towards the world for answers that I should have had a long time ago. All others can only guide me to, may be at best, decipher the messages I get from within me. How foolish have I been all along!

I feel security of self, let’s call it self-security, is the basis of all things human. From the time we’re born, the first thing that our parents should give us is a sense of security about the world around us, to let us alleviate the first fears about the first people we feel around us. But I feel the need to go back 1-step. Why do we ever have to feel fear in the first place when we’re only just born? Or do our parents try and remove all possible sources of fear from around us only guided by their intuition which could be as fragile as a grass straw or to call it plainly – wrong? Their logic or thinking can be attributed to only one cause – their responsibility of providing us with a nurturing environment to grow up without a single hiccup. My worry in all this is – is their fear the compressed source of all fears that we face as a child? Do we borrow their fears to return their favor of bringing us into this world?

Now think about the case as follows – a child is born and sees parents who’re beyond several definitions of ecstatic. They are so elated that eyes can’t contain the excitement and they keep falling short of breaths while simply admiring your beauty. Yes, they’re still trying to hold you the best way possible, gently passing you around the arms of the other well-wishers. Yet instead of enjoying the moment, they start noticing the way, others are holding their child and is it the best that they can do? The new parents are worried of course whether be it that you are in more capable hands than their own. Does this fear sound irrational? Or is it the culmination of the unsurmountable distrust in all of humanity that no one except you can do the best for their child? Think about the number of injuries and numerous stabs that the parents individually would have gone through before they decided to get married and bring you into this world. They can and will only rely on their experience. That’s the way they have learnt in this world even though the knowledge mostly came from the all-knowing Google. I won’t even touch the fears that parents experience when you are being formed inside the womb or the fears after the passing-the-parcel match I described above. Can you think that right from the moment the parents hear the news that you may be on your way, they start to fear and fear they will, for and about you, all through their lives till they are alive. Is that irrational?

Yes, I understand I may be describing my situation here as well, as to why I don’t want to be a father right now. This may be the fear that’s eating me up but this discussion is for later.

So, take that 1 step ahead now from which we had stepped back. You’re growing up fast, blossoming every full moon, and then one day you see or learn something horrifying about either one of your parents. And you have no one to talk to – neither the other parent nor any of your siblings. So you silently dump the shit, take the bitter pill and go back to sleep, never knowing that this is the first of the innumerable and insufferable disturbing nights you’re preparing to have in the coming years. You see the culprit parent each day and they love you or pretend to love you and from here starts the cycle of distrust that’ll repeat till you’re absolutely full of the hurt which will never heal itself. If you can’t trust the only people who would supposedly die for you, will you ever trust anyone ever again? Think about the impact that such a simple situation would have on the psyche of the child that was only starting to make friends and see the more colorful pieces of life.

Jump ahead 20 years. Nothing has changed – the fake promises, the false semblances of love, the hateful backstabs. And I thought, I may have come ahead 32 years of my life from my birth, but I’ve never really developed my root chakra, the most important chakra in the development of a human. Think of a person who doesn’t trust anyone fully enough to confide in them, to support them, to love them without seeking something in return – this guy is a total mess and I guess so am I. I may have touched other chakras but without the root chakra, I don’t even trust the development of my inner self. Where am I and how far have I come? How much work do I need to do on myself? Will it ever end? Will it ever come to true fruition? What will death look like?

In such situations, a person can take either of the following 2 paths –

  1. Create a wall around himself, learning from experiences, torturing himself silently for every mistake he makes and vowing to return stronger every time he falls for he alone can support himself. Whether he does return stronger is a completely different story altogether. A person who creates a wall around himself and so fragile that everything around him pains him to the core. He’s learnt to accommodate pain just like he accommodates the people that hurt him every day and yet never trusting even the air that he lives on. Food hates him and so does water. He relies on logics but logics are a mere culmination of his experiences and academic learnings. Think of this guy’s logic – how negative will it be? He will never ever trust his intuition.
  2. The other way to go about it is to keep trusting everyone, no walls, but he keeps falling into the same trap again and again for he’s never ever truly learnt from his mistakes. The same type of friends, relatives, lovers – people who will only use him and throw him away. He tells people that he goes about trusting people by his intuition but think about the intuition that would have made him trust the people who fail him again and again. How much hurt is he going to see in his life? Is it time already to build that wall?

None of the situations is ideal. There may be a third choice which I am yet unaware of but that’s how things have panned out for me. Now think of the gazillion others just like me who refuse to believe in anything. What kind of world are we on the way to create for ourselves and others?

I pray for myself to get over my insecurities fast so I can start to trust myself and thus, connect to chakras better and faster for there is no other stronger need for me than to connect to my higher self and be that living light that shines the path for others in the best way possible.

Let me leave you with the original wall –

Refresh

Refresh

Le Buddy – “Do you think that you’ve been studying all wrong all your life?”

Le Me – “I’m really starting to think of it.”

“What is it that you think you need to change? Where should you start?”

“I think I need to begin with learning to ask the right questions at the right time. Never hesitate. I think curiosity is a must to build fresh perspectives. We’ve gotten very comfortable in our skins. Everything is so set in its routine, especially our knowledge and where it comes from, I think we need to start thinking anew to know our roots, “our” meaning the roots of humans.”

“Why do you want to go so far back?”

“Because I think that only then will we truly start to understand our value, the true value of all that we get from Mother Earth and the universe. We have to get to the beginning when it all started, to learn that all of us are equally sacred and all the negativity that separates us today is our own creation and no one else’s. It’s definitely not what life would have wanted us to be. We need to understand the oneness of our life, understand the union of our body and soul, to truly understand our function. I think we’ve lost our way and only now are we at the beginning when we can change everything around us. Build something new and great, do it for yourself and don’t be afraid to give and share, for it’ll all return to you. At every living moment we must remember and acknowledge that this universe runs on trade and balance will automatically happen. We need to pursue the multiplication of happiness.”

“Well, these are pretty big words.”

“Yes! But the actions required are small. Save water, plant trees, harness renewable energy which truly is abundantly available to us, stop creating plastic, use all our technology only to preserve what we have left. Meditate, cherish the silence of nature and the sound of your soul, try and connect with your higher self, believe in miracles and magic for it is all around us. Be empathic and watch how your children grow into beings and teach them to be good to mankind. I can go on and on but all of this is pretty simple. Let the nature know that you are working for it and not fighting against it and see the difference happening. Spread awareness but don’t infuse fear. Create!”

“All of this will surely refresh our perspective.”

My Voice

Have you ever heard yourself?

Ok! As we ascertained in my last post, and as my consciousness and I deciphered, what I actually thought is my God, isn’t really my God. As we’ve also found that my consciousness knows who actually is my God and that discussion is for later when I have gathered enough about spirits. But first, we’ve got to do something about its name – consciousness, also awareness, are rather long words, so let me just simply call him “Buddy”. I don’t anyways have a lot of friends so having a buddy full time could do me a lot of good. 😉

Le Buddy – “So you finally christened me! How does it feel to finally have a friend?”

Le Me – “You know, it’s terrific! I somehow feel very light right now. The fact that I’ll always have someone to talk to, to resolve my conflicts with, to call upon when in doubt, gives me a lot of hope and a very different sense of freedom. I love it already! Thank You!”

“Well, I’m glad that even having me around is so relieving for you. I haven’t felt you so light in years.”

“True that bro! Anyway today I was reminiscing the days when my mother’s voice was everything for me, when her voice was my command. I used to be so scared that after a while I may have changed my fright into a sense of responsibility that I have even today towards home and my family.”

“So you think it is your fear of her voice that turned you into this responsibility freak?”

“It is possible, isn’t it? But the worse things started to happen to me. I could hear my mother’s voice even when she wasn’t around, it was like an echo but it happened whenever it wanted. You know that echo was always my name, a shriek, like it never wanted me to go away, like it always wanted me close. More often than not, it was my mother’s voice but I’ve heard my wife’s voice too, but never my dad’s or brother’s voice. I guess I’ve heard my name very few times from these two guys.”

“Do you hear her these days? I mean how often has it happened since you left your mother?”

“Far too regularly to be comfortable. It totally freaks me out.”

“Do you dream about her when you sleep? During your days, do you think about her in any form?”

“Dreams? Definitely YES. But not during day time as such. But it’s just not with my mother you see. May be I hear her a lot because I spent a lot of time with her and under her shadow, also the reason why it took me so long to finally grow up and understand things on my own, but I also her my wife. The funny part here is, she never ever calls me by my name in front of me. I’ve so rarely heard my name from her, it’s like I was born for the nicknames that she so abundantly showers upon me.”

“Do you think it is an issue? Why were you recalling this?”

“Because I’m starting to believe that somewhere in my childhood lays buried my true art, my true purpose. And I’m also starting to believe that I was never an ordinary child. Everything I have accomplished till date holds no meaning to me till I find out that it has all been for a purpose, a great purpose, may be only towards me but it has to be great. I’ve seen and felt enough things in my life that keep making me go back towards my childhood and dig out all that has been dumped beneath a rubble. I need to understand that what I am today – is it the result of a sudden cataclysm or was it a slow poison that has taken roots so deep inside me that scratching it away will surely make me bleed. Both of them will make me bleed, but remember that it is not the bleeding that scares me, but the skeletons in the closet that I’m very scared to discover. What will they be?”

“Have you ever tried talking to your brother about all this?”

“I genuinely believe that not a single person in my family is worth talking to. They won’t understand me.”

“Keep thinking and voicing your thoughts to me dude… this one seems really perplexing. May be it’ll solve itself over time. But till then enjoy my company. Let’s start to have some amazing time together. Let’s see to what frequency we can eventually raise you to. Remember, our ultimate goal is to reach our higher self.”

Money For Nothing

Are you frugal?

Le Me – “Oh God! They just informed me that I won’t have my bonus next month, instead the month after that. Damn, I was thinking of taking a vacation this time. It’s been 4 years since I last sat in a forest.”

Le God – “But you could take that vacation when you have that bonus, why are you so disappointed?”

“It was only today that I had decided that I’ll have that vacation instead of paying my debt off. I was looking for places the entire day and had nearly finalized one.”

“Well why can’t you have that vacation any way? Just go for it, why wait for money? Don’t you save enough?”

“No I don’t. My relationship with money is love-hate type. We don’t match. Ever since childhood, I would rather spend my money than keep it safe, in a piggy bank. In that way, I’m rather frivolous.”

“Why do you think does that happen? Why can’t you save it?”

“I’ve never thought of that frankly. It’s just that my enjoyment and fulfilment have often been my primary target. I believe that being depraved of pleasure is my primary aching point. Nothing comes atop my pleasure. Being thrifty is just not my property. I remember stealing money from my father’s pocket to buy a watch and a compass box. I also used my excess pocket money almost immediately and got into bad habits.”

“He he… Glad you have the heart to admit. Still, how do you derive pleasure from owning things?”

“I don’t know. I’ll tell you another trait of mine. All the things I own are only pleasurable at first and like a child I always get bored of them. If I ever tell you that I want to find my childishness, remind me of that please!”

“Sure. So, you’re not really close to any answer, are you?”

“What was the question?”

“Why can’t you save money?”

“Let me think about it. In the meanwhile, why don’t you tell me, if you know of others who spend like I do.”

“I am your consciousness. I can’t know anything that you don’t know. So, do you know of people who spend like you do?”

“Nope!”

“Think of a time when you spent a lot of money on a simple whim. And then think what triggered that spree and may be you can point to the specific pain point of yours.”

“Hmm. I was struggling with my invisible girlfriend when I got my speakers, I was struggling with a job change when I bought my bike. Hey, in fact, whenever I’ve changed my job, I’ve spent a lot. And then, all the time after that I keep struggling for money. You know I think I understand where you’re actually coming from. It’s my anxiety that triggers my silly shopping spree’s. Whenever I’m anxious, that is like all the time, I spend. And that’s why all my bad habits. Oh man! You’re too damn terrific. How did you do that?”

“Well you did that. You’re not only anxiety stricken, you have a screwed up memory as well. I just told you, that I’m your consciousness. I never figure out the answers, you do, you have all the answers, you just take time figuring them out.”

“Hmmm… A Peek Within, isn’t it?”

“Bingo!”

The Edge

It’s been a very productive weekend or let me just correct myself and say that this is the most productive Sunday of my life. Simply based on the actual knowledge I gained today, I’ve probably laid down the foundation for a lot to enter me, alleviating all fear.

Talking of fear, I realize why I so desperately wanted to shift my knowledge of the world. I thought what if I am the only one who thinks that aliens arriving to Earth is a very possible phenomenon. I know a lot of you will still disagree with me but I’m not writing to challenge any philosophy or belief system. I’m simply more than happy to now know that there are people in this world who think the way I do. People who don’t disagree with the current system but they want to mend it to include more freedom. To let creators create, let the teachers learn for themselves by experimenting and to make the children think beyond what is normally around us.

What we, as in our “Cultivated and Awakened” society, have built around us is a wall so huge, so powerful that our kids fail to see what’s beyond it. We’re teaching them a whole lot more, making their curriculum tougher with more homework, more physical work, but we constantly fail to address their sensitivity. We fail to let them know that we’re there for them. That we’re creating a better world for them. They give in to the system around them so easily, it’s like slicing a knife through butter.

Only to feed your mind, here’s a bit of what I think –

Anyway, I probably now understand why exactly did I once see what I saw during my meditation. I felt the breeze, the sound of water splashing against stones, and when I opened my eyes, I saw a huge wall of single stone, wet from the bottom all the way to the top. It had tiny weed like grass with its flowers protruding through its cracks which almost made the wall look alive. It added so much drama. But then I realized that I’m in a boat, on the edge of the beach, and slowly floating away from the reality that the world has created for me. As I moved away, I found that the wall actually was a plateau, with a huge and dense forest on top of it and it ran deep into the land of the world that I was so happy to be leaving. As I kept moving away, I felt at peace and I turned around and the sun was shining at the horizon, invigorating every sense inside me, filling me with hope that one day I’ll be one with it!

Am I Fearless?

Let the conversation begin.

Le God – “When are you scared?”

Le Me – “I am scared when I have done something wrong.”

“Is that the only time when you’re scared son?”.

“Yes, as far as I can remember.”

“What happened when you were shivering in that hospital once?”

“You saw!!!??? You remember?”

“Oh yeah dude! Don’t you ever forget that what you know I know, what you see I see, what you hear I hear, I feel all that you feel – all your pain, emotions, all your sensations, I am your soul, I AM YOU.”

Le Me (head bowed) – “That night in hospital was the worst night. I was made to take some decisions, and I took them, and they have changed my life into what it is today.”

“Do you realize that what you are and what you have today is the grace of your deeds and your deeds alone?”

“Yes I do.”

“So, do you think you were scared in the hospital?”

“Yes I was.”

“What do you think went on down there?”

“I was scared if I’ll ever find her. I was scared of the consequences that I may have to face had something were to happen to her. I was scared of what people will think of me. All my fears precipitated at once. It was a mixture of emotions. I felt scared for her. I know she is fragile. I had no idea how she would react to panic. Was she even alive? Things were pretty out of my control.”

“Will you call this mixture of emotions as your love for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you say that you don’t trust her?”

“Because I didn’t. I couldn’t have trusted her with any version of her story especially with the way she had been with me for the past few months before the incident. What was real for me then was my own experience. The only real thing in my life then were my emotions, my fears. I couldn’t have placed my self-respect in the hands of anyone else then.”

“Do you think you handled the situation well?”

“Yes.”

“Is there nothing you could have done better?”

“It was my inability to trust her then that stopped me from dragging the situation with law. Who knows if I had had the courage and her trust in me, I would have gone ahead and pushed to have the culprits apprehended.”

“Why do you think she didn’t trust you?”

“I could always tell when she was lying to me. She isn’t very good with the lies. I had caught her many times trying to fool me. So clearly if she was lying to me, there were secrets that she couldn’t tell me because she never trusted me.”

“Do you trust her now?”

“I don’t care about trusting her anymore.”

“What if a similar situation were to repeat? What would you do?”

“Please don’t say that. I’m really scared of facing that situation again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I value freedom. I can’t control her free will. I couldn’t then, I can’t now. I value my freedom beyond all measures. And so I know she would value it too.”

“Should it matter to you if she values her freedom as much as you do?”

“No. But there’s a principle involved and it’s purely mine. No one else’s. I have to grant the same degree of freedom to everyone as much I grant to myself. Freedom to think, to act, to have faith, any faith.”

“So, what if that situation repeats?”

“I’ll probably be smarter now and not make the same mistakes again.”

“Is this what you wanted? Is this how you wanted your today to be? Are you satisfied with it?”

“Yes. I can’t control if she has learnt from her past. But I have taken my lessons.”

“What are they?”

“To never let my self-respect be placed in the hands of anyone else but mine especially someone or something that can’t be controlled. Nothing comes above and beyond it. Then I placed it in the hands of the trust that I didn’t have from her and which was beyond my control. But then that’s the danger you face when you get married.”

“So was this the reason your hands were trembling then?”

Le Me (looking up, smiling) – “Yes.”

So are you fearless now?”

“Yes.”

Conversation to be continued…