Do You Ever Look At Yourself?

I was walking my dog a few days ago and realized that I once used to have a line that I uttered often –

“You know why people hate me and don’t want to with me – that’s because I act as their mirror. With me they see their demons”.

Back then, it was something that I used to be particularly proud of. Just to let my readers know, that my skills with people are rather questionable and sometimes downright irritating because I do tend to drag them out of their comfort zones which in turn becomes, and it normally is, my playground.

I am a Scorpion and my tendency to look beyond peoples facades is persistent to the point that it causes significant discomfort to them in their heads. Now this is something I can never leave as I love and totally accept people who are willing to bare themselves to me. That’s when I become their friend. They, in turn, then help me open up to them and that is when the probability of me to start to like them increases exponentially. Yes, some of things I’m saying right now may sound like limiting beliefs but I’m talking about my comfort here and there is absolutely no harm in being comfortable all the time. I’ve built a life around me, whether consciously or unconsciously, and my heart and my head are only in sync in public, or with people and closed ones, when they are open to me, when lies are only a figment of imagination and a means to only a joke/humor/comedy/satire. Yes, I love fun too.

Anyway not digressing any further from the topic that triggered this post, I’m talking about people and how they’ve shaped my present in ways that are difficult to control with my kind of personality. I think I have a great need for acceptance. I also have trust issues. I need to be accepted but then there is also a need for me to understand them before I accept them (yes, I know it’s a terrible sentence but I’m still working on my verbosity). In order to accomplish this, I go beyond all measures to really test how truthful the other person is and how long can he really continue to be truthful. I try and understand if there are any trigger mechanisms when they absolutely have to lie. Basically all that I am trying to do is make the other person predictable to me so that I understand if it is easy to handle them and will they be easier to handle later. And the easiest way for me, I’ve found, is that I start mimicking them in their actions and words. I lie when they lie and then I wait for them to find out that I had lied to them. When they do eventually complaint to me about my lie, then I tell them that my lie was a conscious choice to lie in response to their lie.

Some may now argue as to why go thru such a painful and time-consuming process to instill, what some may call, basic sense. Well, from my experiences I’ve found that it all boils down to realization and realization has to be imprinted on the subconscious else it will fade over time.

The problem though that I’ve found with this process is that my entire life and routine goes up in smoke for my mind has to constantly be in test mode for that one entity who hasn’t even fully entered my life yet. And trust me, it isn’t easy. It not only involves pushing the other person to his boundaries, but it pushes me to lie as well, which I truly hate. I become them. I take on their negative traits which are absolutely inessential to me and somewhere in my subconscious, I do land up with their imprint as well. I learn their manners, processes and mindsets which are poisonous. While I make a conscious effort to correct/heal them, I never apply the same to myself. I fail to heal myself and that’s my problem area. I have always failed to see that scars that I’m carrying from other peoples’ lives and the fears that their mentality embeds in my subconscious have almost ruined my own life.

So how do I get rid of these habits of testing, evaluating and then accepting? For the first step, I’ve decided to heal myself first. I’ll give time to myself and try and stop my train of thoughts; I’ll quieten myself down and realize that this dual nature, of being myself and being someone else at the same time, is only attracting duality and distrust and as a result a failure to accept me in their lives. I realize that I am to completely get rid of this urge to be accepted; that it’s childish and I am more than capable of handling myself in this world; that I am fearless. I have to realize that my authenticity will only attract genuine people who will honestly either accept me or discard me but never keep me in limbo, thereby reducing my anxiety and hopefully my addictions as well.

Am I Fearless?

Let the conversation begin.

Le God – “When are you scared?”

Le Me – “I am scared when I have done something wrong.”

“Is that the only time when you’re scared son?”.

“Yes, as far as I can remember.”

“What happened when you were shivering in that hospital once?”

“You saw!!!??? You remember?”

“Oh yeah dude! Don’t you ever forget that what you know I know, what you see I see, what you hear I hear, I feel all that you feel – all your pain, emotions, all your sensations, I am your soul, I AM YOU.”

Le Me (head bowed) – “That night in hospital was the worst night. I was made to take some decisions, and I took them, and they have changed my life into what it is today.”

“Do you realize that what you are and what you have today is the grace of your deeds and your deeds alone?”

“Yes I do.”

“So, do you think you were scared in the hospital?”

“Yes I was.”

“What do you think went on down there?”

“I was scared if I’ll ever find her. I was scared of the consequences that I may have to face had something were to happen to her. I was scared of what people will think of me. All my fears precipitated at once. It was a mixture of emotions. I felt scared for her. I know she is fragile. I had no idea how she would react to panic. Was she even alive? Things were pretty out of my control.”

“Will you call this mixture of emotions as your love for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you say that you don’t trust her?”

“Because I didn’t. I couldn’t have trusted her with any version of her story especially with the way she had been with me for the past few months before the incident. What was real for me then was my own experience. The only real thing in my life then were my emotions, my fears. I couldn’t have placed my self-respect in the hands of anyone else then.”

“Do you think you handled the situation well?”

“Yes.”

“Is there nothing you could have done better?”

“It was my inability to trust her then that stopped me from dragging the situation with law. Who knows if I had had the courage and her trust in me, I would have gone ahead and pushed to have the culprits apprehended.”

“Why do you think she didn’t trust you?”

“I could always tell when she was lying to me. She isn’t very good with the lies. I had caught her many times trying to fool me. So clearly if she was lying to me, there were secrets that she couldn’t tell me because she never trusted me.”

“Do you trust her now?”

“I don’t care about trusting her anymore.”

“What if a similar situation were to repeat? What would you do?”

“Please don’t say that. I’m really scared of facing that situation again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I value freedom. I can’t control her free will. I couldn’t then, I can’t now. I value my freedom beyond all measures. And so I know she would value it too.”

“Should it matter to you if she values her freedom as much as you do?”

“No. But there’s a principle involved and it’s purely mine. No one else’s. I have to grant the same degree of freedom to everyone as much I grant to myself. Freedom to think, to act, to have faith, any faith.”

“So, what if that situation repeats?”

“I’ll probably be smarter now and not make the same mistakes again.”

“Is this what you wanted? Is this how you wanted your today to be? Are you satisfied with it?”

“Yes. I can’t control if she has learnt from her past. But I have taken my lessons.”

“What are they?”

“To never let my self-respect be placed in the hands of anyone else but mine especially someone or something that can’t be controlled. Nothing comes above and beyond it. Then I placed it in the hands of the trust that I didn’t have from her and which was beyond my control. But then that’s the danger you face when you get married.”

“So was this the reason your hands were trembling then?”

Le Me (looking up, smiling) – “Yes.”

So are you fearless now?”

“Yes.”

Conversation to be continued…