Do You Ever Look At Yourself?

I was walking my dog a few days ago and realized that I once used to have a line that I uttered often –

“You know why people hate me and don’t want to with me – that’s because I act as their mirror. With me they see their demons”.

Back then, it was something that I used to be particularly proud of. Just to let my readers know, that my skills with people are rather questionable and sometimes downright irritating because I do tend to drag them out of their comfort zones which in turn becomes, and it normally is, my playground.

I am a Scorpion and my tendency to look beyond peoples facades is persistent to the point that it causes significant discomfort to them in their heads. Now this is something I can never leave as I love and totally accept people who are willing to bare themselves to me. That’s when I become their friend. They, in turn, then help me open up to them and that is when the probability of me to start to like them increases exponentially. Yes, some of things I’m saying right now may sound like limiting beliefs but I’m talking about my comfort here and there is absolutely no harm in being comfortable all the time. I’ve built a life around me, whether consciously or unconsciously, and my heart and my head are only in sync in public, or with people and closed ones, when they are open to me, when lies are only a figment of imagination and a means to only a joke/humor/comedy/satire. Yes, I love fun too.

Anyway not digressing any further from the topic that triggered this post, I’m talking about people and how they’ve shaped my present in ways that are difficult to control with my kind of personality. I think I have a great need for acceptance. I also have trust issues. I need to be accepted but then there is also a need for me to understand them before I accept them (yes, I know it’s a terrible sentence but I’m still working on my verbosity). In order to accomplish this, I go beyond all measures to really test how truthful the other person is and how long can he really continue to be truthful. I try and understand if there are any trigger mechanisms when they absolutely have to lie. Basically all that I am trying to do is make the other person predictable to me so that I understand if it is easy to handle them and will they be easier to handle later. And the easiest way for me, I’ve found, is that I start mimicking them in their actions and words. I lie when they lie and then I wait for them to find out that I had lied to them. When they do eventually complaint to me about my lie, then I tell them that my lie was a conscious choice to lie in response to their lie.

Some may now argue as to why go thru such a painful and time-consuming process to instill, what some may call, basic sense. Well, from my experiences I’ve found that it all boils down to realization and realization has to be imprinted on the subconscious else it will fade over time.

The problem though that I’ve found with this process is that my entire life and routine goes up in smoke for my mind has to constantly be in test mode for that one entity who hasn’t even fully entered my life yet. And trust me, it isn’t easy. It not only involves pushing the other person to his boundaries, but it pushes me to lie as well, which I truly hate. I become them. I take on their negative traits which are absolutely inessential to me and somewhere in my subconscious, I do land up with their imprint as well. I learn their manners, processes and mindsets which are poisonous. While I make a conscious effort to correct/heal them, I never apply the same to myself. I fail to heal myself and that’s my problem area. I have always failed to see that scars that I’m carrying from other peoples’ lives and the fears that their mentality embeds in my subconscious have almost ruined my own life.

So how do I get rid of these habits of testing, evaluating and then accepting? For the first step, I’ve decided to heal myself first. I’ll give time to myself and try and stop my train of thoughts; I’ll quieten myself down and realize that this dual nature, of being myself and being someone else at the same time, is only attracting duality and distrust and as a result a failure to accept me in their lives. I realize that I am to completely get rid of this urge to be accepted; that it’s childish and I am more than capable of handling myself in this world; that I am fearless. I have to realize that my authenticity will only attract genuine people who will honestly either accept me or discard me but never keep me in limbo, thereby reducing my anxiety and hopefully my addictions as well.

Marriage

No meetings are accidental. Every person you’ve ever had a chance to meet with in your life has had an energy exchange with you. They may have come to cheer you up, encourage you, to maybe give you a different perspective on your existing condition or they may just have come to destroy you. But all of these meetings carry a purpose. We don’t know who we’re going to meet but someone somewhere has his permutations and combinations going on and he is deciding for you, what you’ll eventually have and who you’ll meet in your life. You are here for a reason. Your soul decided to take up your body and existence to learn some very important chapters that will forge its way to eternal divinity.

One such type of meeting is arranged marriage. Two people from very different backgrounds, very different existences and circumstances are given a chance to get together and maybe it’s their parents’ karma to have their children get the best partner to live their life with. Please leave alone the very maniacal self-interests that parents try and fulfill from marriages these days. We as children should learn that they may never have had a chance to get their heads around the thought that they’ve been conditioned so badly and left scarred by this structure called society that they end up using their children as tools to satisfy their existential desires and defend themselves and their own deeds. And then maybe we should give a thought to the fact that we may as well be as wrong as they are, but that’s a separate topic altogether. Let us only concentrate on the marriage and the two souls that are eventually going to tangle for the rest of their journey in their respective human forms.

The first step to an arranged marriage is deciding if you really do want to get married. Either you decide it for yourself or your parents will decide it for you. For some reason beyond my comprehension, parents think it is pivotal that their child marries. It is possibly of even greater importance than him or her getting to see the world, building his perspectives, observing people from various other cultures and learning what being human really is like. I won’t disagree with people who say that all this can be done even after marriage but I come from a sect that gets married first and then starts believing that they have truly fucked it up and all of it should have been and should be the other way round. But well, I’ve given up and given in, have broken down and cared to stand up again to find my path and spread its word.

From the day the boy and the girl start to know each other before the marriage, given that they’re indeed at all allowed and that they’re living in a modern enough society to understand that courtship is important too, the connection between them starts to grow depending upon how deep do they really want to know each other, how much are they really ready to reveal about themselves and the amount of effort they’re willing to put in to make the other one feel special and cared for. Does their vibration match with each other’s and is there room for further upliftment once you are together? These are the most important steps to build the platform for their lives together and it’s called trust. Well, sometimes the courtship works and sometimes it doesn’t based on the aforementioned factors. If it doesn’t work, better luck next time.

But if it works, their souls have in some form accepted each other and built a strong enough connection to let them test their material lives together. I had no courtship except that we dropped bombs of information about our past lives upon each other once in a while on a telephone and let each other soak it, process it and see if they still want to know more. None of us was subtle. But what we ended up valuing the most from our conversations was that both of us were truly inclined to build a very strong foundation of trust. We wanted to work on that aspect and the effort was left to be felt. I knew what she was and how she works even before we took our rounds around the holy fire. And hopefully she knew me. Well, nothing perturbed us from marrying and so there we were, left to the world together and build our lives on that single most important aspect – trust. And I think this is what would happen similarly with most couples before the marriage, some smooth, some hard.

But once they are together, they are bound to work together; to see a foreseeable future together, to understand their concept of a journey together. Though some couples like us aren’t really concerned about the goals from a relationship because we’re not very concerned about the future. What we truly want is have a blissful day every day for the rest of our lives no matter where we end up and how we end up as. And as your day is so important to you, that is when you start to understand the small nitty-gritties of their day to day life and the more you observe them, and because you are connected to them in some special way, you also end up watching and observing yourself. And you watch whether each day that you’re living and that you’ve lived when you wake up the next day has fulfilled its purpose – to keep you happy; whether each day is made up of the two of you, sharing your lives and happiness together, being content in whatever you have together; whether you share a dream together, a laugh together. And you see your part in all of other half. Would he or she feel the same way as you do? Would he or she care to share it with you? Would they make you feel special? DO YOU MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL EVERYDAY? Notice the word “Together”!

If the answer to all of the above questions is Yes, you truly are living a blissful life and shall continue to do so. Never let the spark die out under the weight of expectations and silence. Talk, talk, talk a lot. Tell them everything even when they don’t have the ear. Hear their stories and live their day through their words. Never use emails, messengers and messages to get your point across. Your words should always carry the correct emotion that you want to convey and it can only be done when you speak; unless you are Shakespearically blessed!

However, if the answer to all the questions above is No, ask yourself – is the love between you two, still alive and is responsibility the only binding factor between the two of you? If yes, make a change. Try and make it work. Give each other tons of attention and this may just work out and life may come back to normal. If no, MOVE ON. It isn’t wrong to spare each other’s lives if the spark dies out. You’ve come to live a life of content, enjoyment and happiness; not to be doleful, somber and cruel to yourself. Your time shall pass in a blink leaving wasted years in its wake. Every soul that touches your plays its part in your souls upliftment, to enlighten it. Once there is nothing left to exchange, the need to further enhance itself depends on the soul itself. If it is satisfied, you may want to continue the same way as you’ve done all the while. But if the soul decides to further enlighten itself, and shorten its spiritual journey, it may start to bother your physical realm with choices and paths that you may not have given a lot of thought to earlier in your life. This is why in the circle of life, you find yourself at the same crossroad over and over again. This is life giving you a chance to make a better choice or a choice that suits you better at this moment of life. Don’t make it hard on each other. Discuss it, give a lot of thought because in India, getting out of marriage is a tough task – for both parents and the partners themselves. Societal pressure strikes vicious fear in the parents who aren’t prepared to deal with the repercussions of your decisions. Once decided, leave!

Carry on with your spiritual journey and try and create new connections, start a foray into art. It’s the most liberating form of exercise and it heals your soul. Remember that you’ve learnt your lessons and be grateful to them. Be grateful to the maker who gave your soul the chance to enlighten itself and make it even more powerful. Be grateful to the partner whose company helped in achieving one of the goals of your soul. You thus formed a very important connection with the other soul and all good karmas with each other will help your soul to move along in the other life or may be this life itself. Forgive each other and forget each sin for it was their way of learning their lessons. Leave them where they belong – in the past and cut your connections with it.

 

The Wall

I watched this video and started to think about myself again. How many chakras must the spirit in me have connected to? And I’m only talking about the basic 7 chakras. I asked myself – “how secure do I feel I am”?

The answer from inside was a shudder so powerful, I nearly fell off my chair. I realized, I have to start from basics again. I have to start working on myself again.

I’ve been thinking since 2 days now and I’ve realized that I can’t blame myself or anyone else if I feel insecure. This is something I should have worked upon very early but then who knew then that I’d have to delve so deep inside of me for answers that no one else on this planet has for me. Call it conditioning that I always look towards the world for answers that I should have had a long time ago. All others can only guide me to, may be at best, decipher the messages I get from within me. How foolish have I been all along!

I feel security of self, let’s call it self-security, is the basis of all things human. From the time we’re born, the first thing that our parents should give us is a sense of security about the world around us, to let us alleviate the first fears about the first people we feel around us. But I feel the need to go back 1-step. Why do we ever have to feel fear in the first place when we’re only just born? Or do our parents try and remove all possible sources of fear from around us only guided by their intuition which could be as fragile as a grass straw or to call it plainly – wrong? Their logic or thinking can be attributed to only one cause – their responsibility of providing us with a nurturing environment to grow up without a single hiccup. My worry in all this is – is their fear the compressed source of all fears that we face as a child? Do we borrow their fears to return their favor of bringing us into this world?

Now think about the case as follows – a child is born and sees parents who’re beyond several definitions of ecstatic. They are so elated that eyes can’t contain the excitement and they keep falling short of breaths while simply admiring your beauty. Yes, they’re still trying to hold you the best way possible, gently passing you around the arms of the other well-wishers. Yet instead of enjoying the moment, they start noticing the way, others are holding their child and is it the best that they can do? The new parents are worried of course whether be it that you are in more capable hands than their own. Does this fear sound irrational? Or is it the culmination of the unsurmountable distrust in all of humanity that no one except you can do the best for their child? Think about the number of injuries and numerous stabs that the parents individually would have gone through before they decided to get married and bring you into this world. They can and will only rely on their experience. That’s the way they have learnt in this world even though the knowledge mostly came from the all-knowing Google. I won’t even touch the fears that parents experience when you are being formed inside the womb or the fears after the passing-the-parcel match I described above. Can you think that right from the moment the parents hear the news that you may be on your way, they start to fear and fear they will, for and about you, all through their lives till they are alive. Is that irrational?

Yes, I understand I may be describing my situation here as well, as to why I don’t want to be a father right now. This may be the fear that’s eating me up but this discussion is for later.

So, take that 1 step ahead now from which we had stepped back. You’re growing up fast, blossoming every full moon, and then one day you see or learn something horrifying about either one of your parents. And you have no one to talk to – neither the other parent nor any of your siblings. So you silently dump the shit, take the bitter pill and go back to sleep, never knowing that this is the first of the innumerable and insufferable disturbing nights you’re preparing to have in the coming years. You see the culprit parent each day and they love you or pretend to love you and from here starts the cycle of distrust that’ll repeat till you’re absolutely full of the hurt which will never heal itself. If you can’t trust the only people who would supposedly die for you, will you ever trust anyone ever again? Think about the impact that such a simple situation would have on the psyche of the child that was only starting to make friends and see the more colorful pieces of life.

Jump ahead 20 years. Nothing has changed – the fake promises, the false semblances of love, the hateful backstabs. And I thought, I may have come ahead 32 years of my life from my birth, but I’ve never really developed my root chakra, the most important chakra in the development of a human. Think of a person who doesn’t trust anyone fully enough to confide in them, to support them, to love them without seeking something in return – this guy is a total mess and I guess so am I. I may have touched other chakras but without the root chakra, I don’t even trust the development of my inner self. Where am I and how far have I come? How much work do I need to do on myself? Will it ever end? Will it ever come to true fruition? What will death look like?

In such situations, a person can take either of the following 2 paths –

  1. Create a wall around himself, learning from experiences, torturing himself silently for every mistake he makes and vowing to return stronger every time he falls for he alone can support himself. Whether he does return stronger is a completely different story altogether. A person who creates a wall around himself and so fragile that everything around him pains him to the core. He’s learnt to accommodate pain just like he accommodates the people that hurt him every day and yet never trusting even the air that he lives on. Food hates him and so does water. He relies on logics but logics are a mere culmination of his experiences and academic learnings. Think of this guy’s logic – how negative will it be? He will never ever trust his intuition.
  2. The other way to go about it is to keep trusting everyone, no walls, but he keeps falling into the same trap again and again for he’s never ever truly learnt from his mistakes. The same type of friends, relatives, lovers – people who will only use him and throw him away. He tells people that he goes about trusting people by his intuition but think about the intuition that would have made him trust the people who fail him again and again. How much hurt is he going to see in his life? Is it time already to build that wall?

None of the situations is ideal. There may be a third choice which I am yet unaware of but that’s how things have panned out for me. Now think of the gazillion others just like me who refuse to believe in anything. What kind of world are we on the way to create for ourselves and others?

I pray for myself to get over my insecurities fast so I can start to trust myself and thus, connect to chakras better and faster for there is no other stronger need for me than to connect to my higher self and be that living light that shines the path for others in the best way possible.

Let me leave you with the original wall –

My Voice

Have you ever heard yourself?

Ok! As we ascertained in my last post, and as my consciousness and I deciphered, what I actually thought is my God, isn’t really my God. As we’ve also found that my consciousness knows who actually is my God and that discussion is for later when I have gathered enough about spirits. But first, we’ve got to do something about its name – consciousness, also awareness, are rather long words, so let me just simply call him “Buddy”. I don’t anyways have a lot of friends so having a buddy full time could do me a lot of good. 😉

Le Buddy – “So you finally christened me! How does it feel to finally have a friend?”

Le Me – “You know, it’s terrific! I somehow feel very light right now. The fact that I’ll always have someone to talk to, to resolve my conflicts with, to call upon when in doubt, gives me a lot of hope and a very different sense of freedom. I love it already! Thank You!”

“Well, I’m glad that even having me around is so relieving for you. I haven’t felt you so light in years.”

“True that bro! Anyway today I was reminiscing the days when my mother’s voice was everything for me, when her voice was my command. I used to be so scared that after a while I may have changed my fright into a sense of responsibility that I have even today towards home and my family.”

“So you think it is your fear of her voice that turned you into this responsibility freak?”

“It is possible, isn’t it? But the worse things started to happen to me. I could hear my mother’s voice even when she wasn’t around, it was like an echo but it happened whenever it wanted. You know that echo was always my name, a shriek, like it never wanted me to go away, like it always wanted me close. More often than not, it was my mother’s voice but I’ve heard my wife’s voice too, but never my dad’s or brother’s voice. I guess I’ve heard my name very few times from these two guys.”

“Do you hear her these days? I mean how often has it happened since you left your mother?”

“Far too regularly to be comfortable. It totally freaks me out.”

“Do you dream about her when you sleep? During your days, do you think about her in any form?”

“Dreams? Definitely YES. But not during day time as such. But it’s just not with my mother you see. May be I hear her a lot because I spent a lot of time with her and under her shadow, also the reason why it took me so long to finally grow up and understand things on my own, but I also her my wife. The funny part here is, she never ever calls me by my name in front of me. I’ve so rarely heard my name from her, it’s like I was born for the nicknames that she so abundantly showers upon me.”

“Do you think it is an issue? Why were you recalling this?”

“Because I’m starting to believe that somewhere in my childhood lays buried my true art, my true purpose. And I’m also starting to believe that I was never an ordinary child. Everything I have accomplished till date holds no meaning to me till I find out that it has all been for a purpose, a great purpose, may be only towards me but it has to be great. I’ve seen and felt enough things in my life that keep making me go back towards my childhood and dig out all that has been dumped beneath a rubble. I need to understand that what I am today – is it the result of a sudden cataclysm or was it a slow poison that has taken roots so deep inside me that scratching it away will surely make me bleed. Both of them will make me bleed, but remember that it is not the bleeding that scares me, but the skeletons in the closet that I’m very scared to discover. What will they be?”

“Have you ever tried talking to your brother about all this?”

“I genuinely believe that not a single person in my family is worth talking to. They won’t understand me.”

“Keep thinking and voicing your thoughts to me dude… this one seems really perplexing. May be it’ll solve itself over time. But till then enjoy my company. Let’s start to have some amazing time together. Let’s see to what frequency we can eventually raise you to. Remember, our ultimate goal is to reach our higher self.”

Why do you conceal?

Why Do You Conceal?

Le God – “Yo dude… Wazzzup!”

Le Me (tearing my eyes away) – “All’s fine.”

“That doesn’t sound so good.”

“No, I’m actually.. fine.”

“Are you just trying to vaguely convince yourself that you’re fine or you really are?”

“You’re my consciousness. You tell me, am I fine?”

“Woah woah woah… I know that buddy but I want to hear it from you. Are you really fine?”

“Of Course, I’m not!”

“Then why do you conceal?”

“You know it’s funny that you ask that. I conceal and yet I know that you know all my issues and I can actually have a word or two with you to sort out my issues.”

“Sticking to the question – why do you conceal?”

“You know concealing the truth is considered a form of lying itself.”

“WHY DO YOU CONCEAL?”

“Because I’m scared that what comes out from my mouth may hurt someone. I’m scared my image may be tarnished. What if it doesn’t come out right?”

“Is that your problem if what you say hurts someone else?”

“But I hate to see people and things in pain. I hate it when people go through dreadful emotions like I’ve done and I understand that if I hide something I may save the other person that much anguish.”

“For how many people will you bother to uphold this responsibility?”

“As many as I can.”

“So you’ll be a two-faced liar to yourself all your life. You’ll be fair to someone and unfair to some. Your behaviour will vary with who’s standing in front of you. Is that how you want the world to perceive you? A HYPOCRITE!”

“No I don’t.”

“You take the responsibility of understanding pain in others, to dry their tears, but who takes the responsibility to dry your tears, to console you when you’re down? People around you are enjoying themselves, look around! They may or may not care for you. But they definitely care for themselves and that’s the truth. They may go about their lives like you don’t even exist for them. There is no consolation for you.”

“So, what do you want me to do? Do I show my weaker side? Do I show them that the person they’re dealing with has deep lingering emotional issues and that he’s the loneliest ever right now, as he writes this piece? Do I stop gaining their trust? Do I stop making them love me?”

Le God (smiling) – “So that’s what it’s all about. You want people to love you.”

Le Me – “What!!! Did I say that? Yes, yes, I said that. I have to give it to you man, you really are a God!”

“Noooo. I’m not your God. I’m merely your consciousness, the one that you’ve created since your birth.”

“So, are you saying that when I started to trust you blindly, you knew that what I wanted was to worship someone else and you waited till I could realize my folly?”

“Do you think so?”

“Yes, I do…. NOW.”

“So, are you saying when I talk to you, I’m only really talking to myself and my awareness?”

“Isn’t that what consciousness means?”

“Yes, it is. Man! I suddenly don’t trust you as much as I did a few minutes back.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t trust myself. There is so much doubt with all that is right or wrong, that to choose what’s best for me is becoming a rather arduous task in itself.”

“Are you doubting me?”

“In a sense, YES!”

“What did you learn today? What have you been learning since Saturday?”

“That all existence came from the flower of life and that all objects have some form of sacred geometry within them.”

“No no. Rollback a bit. Think hard.”

“Ok, that all creation was created by Spirit and that… woah woah woah… Are you telling me that you are my spirit too?”

“Can I be?”

“But Spirits are the start, the blank, the vacuum, the point, around whom nothing ever exists and all else came from it.”

“So am I your start, your point, your vacuum, your blank?”

“I definitely came from you or you came from me… see it’s confusing again!”

“You have to find the answer yourself. Always remember that your dark days are over and your light will shine brighter now, it should enlighten others’ path.”

“If you are my conscious, you definitely come from me. But my spirit, where does that come from?”

“That’s a question you can ask yourself some other day buddy. You’ve done very well for today.”

“Thank You so much.”

to be continued…

The Edge

It’s been a very productive weekend or let me just correct myself and say that this is the most productive Sunday of my life. Simply based on the actual knowledge I gained today, I’ve probably laid down the foundation for a lot to enter me, alleviating all fear.

Talking of fear, I realize why I so desperately wanted to shift my knowledge of the world. I thought what if I am the only one who thinks that aliens arriving to Earth is a very possible phenomenon. I know a lot of you will still disagree with me but I’m not writing to challenge any philosophy or belief system. I’m simply more than happy to now know that there are people in this world who think the way I do. People who don’t disagree with the current system but they want to mend it to include more freedom. To let creators create, let the teachers learn for themselves by experimenting and to make the children think beyond what is normally around us.

What we, as in our “Cultivated and Awakened” society, have built around us is a wall so huge, so powerful that our kids fail to see what’s beyond it. We’re teaching them a whole lot more, making their curriculum tougher with more homework, more physical work, but we constantly fail to address their sensitivity. We fail to let them know that we’re there for them. That we’re creating a better world for them. They give in to the system around them so easily, it’s like slicing a knife through butter.

Only to feed your mind, here’s a bit of what I think –

Anyway, I probably now understand why exactly did I once see what I saw during my meditation. I felt the breeze, the sound of water splashing against stones, and when I opened my eyes, I saw a huge wall of single stone, wet from the bottom all the way to the top. It had tiny weed like grass with its flowers protruding through its cracks which almost made the wall look alive. It added so much drama. But then I realized that I’m in a boat, on the edge of the beach, and slowly floating away from the reality that the world has created for me. As I moved away, I found that the wall actually was a plateau, with a huge and dense forest on top of it and it ran deep into the land of the world that I was so happy to be leaving. As I kept moving away, I felt at peace and I turned around and the sun was shining at the horizon, invigorating every sense inside me, filling me with hope that one day I’ll be one with it!

Am I Fearless?

Let the conversation begin.

Le God – “When are you scared?”

Le Me – “I am scared when I have done something wrong.”

“Is that the only time when you’re scared son?”.

“Yes, as far as I can remember.”

“What happened when you were shivering in that hospital once?”

“You saw!!!??? You remember?”

“Oh yeah dude! Don’t you ever forget that what you know I know, what you see I see, what you hear I hear, I feel all that you feel – all your pain, emotions, all your sensations, I am your soul, I AM YOU.”

Le Me (head bowed) – “That night in hospital was the worst night. I was made to take some decisions, and I took them, and they have changed my life into what it is today.”

“Do you realize that what you are and what you have today is the grace of your deeds and your deeds alone?”

“Yes I do.”

“So, do you think you were scared in the hospital?”

“Yes I was.”

“What do you think went on down there?”

“I was scared if I’ll ever find her. I was scared of the consequences that I may have to face had something were to happen to her. I was scared of what people will think of me. All my fears precipitated at once. It was a mixture of emotions. I felt scared for her. I know she is fragile. I had no idea how she would react to panic. Was she even alive? Things were pretty out of my control.”

“Will you call this mixture of emotions as your love for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you say that you don’t trust her?”

“Because I didn’t. I couldn’t have trusted her with any version of her story especially with the way she had been with me for the past few months before the incident. What was real for me then was my own experience. The only real thing in my life then were my emotions, my fears. I couldn’t have placed my self-respect in the hands of anyone else then.”

“Do you think you handled the situation well?”

“Yes.”

“Is there nothing you could have done better?”

“It was my inability to trust her then that stopped me from dragging the situation with law. Who knows if I had had the courage and her trust in me, I would have gone ahead and pushed to have the culprits apprehended.”

“Why do you think she didn’t trust you?”

“I could always tell when she was lying to me. She isn’t very good with the lies. I had caught her many times trying to fool me. So clearly if she was lying to me, there were secrets that she couldn’t tell me because she never trusted me.”

“Do you trust her now?”

“I don’t care about trusting her anymore.”

“What if a similar situation were to repeat? What would you do?”

“Please don’t say that. I’m really scared of facing that situation again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I value freedom. I can’t control her free will. I couldn’t then, I can’t now. I value my freedom beyond all measures. And so I know she would value it too.”

“Should it matter to you if she values her freedom as much as you do?”

“No. But there’s a principle involved and it’s purely mine. No one else’s. I have to grant the same degree of freedom to everyone as much I grant to myself. Freedom to think, to act, to have faith, any faith.”

“So, what if that situation repeats?”

“I’ll probably be smarter now and not make the same mistakes again.”

“Is this what you wanted? Is this how you wanted your today to be? Are you satisfied with it?”

“Yes. I can’t control if she has learnt from her past. But I have taken my lessons.”

“What are they?”

“To never let my self-respect be placed in the hands of anyone else but mine especially someone or something that can’t be controlled. Nothing comes above and beyond it. Then I placed it in the hands of the trust that I didn’t have from her and which was beyond my control. But then that’s the danger you face when you get married.”

“So was this the reason your hands were trembling then?”

Le Me (looking up, smiling) – “Yes.”

So are you fearless now?”

“Yes.”

Conversation to be continued…

Resistance

Pronunciation –

re·sist·ance rəˈzistəns

Definition –

the refusal to accept or comply with something; the attempt to prevent something by action or argument.

  • armed or violent opposition.
  • a secret organization resisting authority, especially in an occupied country.
  • the underground movement formed in France during World War II to fight the German occupying forces and the Vichy government.
  • the impeding, slowing, or stopping effect exerted by one material thing on another.

the ability not to be affected by something, especially adversely.

  • lack of sensitivity to a drug, insecticide, etc., especially as a result of continued exposure or genetic change.

the degree to which a substance or device opposes the passage of an electric current, causing energy dissipation. Ohm’s law resistance (measured in ohms) is equal to the voltage divided by the current.

  • a resistor or other circuit component that opposes the passage of an electric current.

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I’m realizing and recognizing the patterns that resistance creates within me. This force is the strongest wall that exists inside me and it’s as magical, mystical as it is natural, exoteric. It’s built of an accumulated wealth of my perceptions of pain and pleasure and others’ definitions of what births happiness and sorrow.

Why did I create this wall? From right when I was born, I was fed how to react to pain and pleasure differently. Pain and pleasure are polar opposites. While pain by definition is a symptom of (feelings of) hurt and hence, unwanted; pleasure by definition is something or someone that provides a source of happiness, and hence, it’s an experience sought by everyone.

Since my younger days, I’ve miscalculated pain and pleasure and I think I feel differently about their degrees of effect on me. While due to all the safe modern equipment, I am kept safe from physical hurt and hence, lesser physical pain, I do experience significant emotional pain from time to time. For some reason, rather unknown to me, I’ve realized that it is me who invites and applies that pain to myself. There is a rather self-destructing sound to it and I’m not very proud of it. And therefore, I created a wall inside me, that filters what goes in and what goes out.

All that permeates my skin encounters this barrier repeatedly. While some of the external forces that touch this wall dissipate effortlessly into rainbows, others are miraculously absorbed into it, only making it stronger. It’s a wall so high, it can only be the manifestation of a heart battered and bruised from brutalities and yet it is as strong and seamless like new. There seem no fissures, no holes that adorn it or maybe I’ve just not looked close enough.

It’s funny to think that I let my resistance keep me away from the enriching experiences of the world only because they served others differently.

Yet it’s amazing that this resistance keeps me. It maintains me. It keeps off the bad and allows the good, sparsely though. My egos – the alter and physical one alike feed on resistance. It’s the keeper of the most powerful frictional energy inside my mind. It’s an energy barrier that carries with it the fear of the known and unknown alike. Resistance is the culmination of a two faced monster called choice.

I think the only choice that we don’t have is of death. Else we choose at every living moment. Choice spoils us. Choices are mostly tough yet, can be easy. Choices, depending on their effect, can be classified into: good, neutral, and bad. The only downside of not choosing well is that it leaves with the longing for the other, better alternative. Otherwise, the purpose of a choice – good, neutral, or bad – is to lead you to another choice. A choice is never singular, in that I mean, no choice can be made to have no effect. The only thing consistent about choice is that every choice has an effect even if it was made to choose between bad and neutral. A choice always leaves you with a path that you’ve chosen – and thus friction. The friction between the types of choices we have to make every day and live with them, live in them. The memory of every choice rots us from the inside by pinning us to the past. A past that has choices as many as we’ll make in the future. But then we’re stuck to the future, one that we haven’t yet seen, a future that we can only plan on seeing, a future that is only as plausible as the result of the flip of a coin.

Resistance is a two way street. While the way in which the writer will eventually portray it, is negative, yet it is equally positive. In fact, when a child is born, society does  condition its children to first build a wall around them. Don’t do this, don’t do that! Parents teach their children to resist all that has been bad for them or for the equivalent others. While some of the resistance, and hence, fears, they feed a child with, are what you eventually need to survive, a mind can easily be disillusioned by the choices that he has at hand. While properly educated choices lead to better decisions, the choices made with half-baked knowledge often lead to failures. Failures increase the resistance to ever face such choices again and this is when resistance births fear. Human brain, as noisome as it is, doesn’t always know when to stop imparting the half-baked knowledge that resides inside it. Society breeds fear in the child’s mind about things that are supposed to hurt him. But they really aren’t aware if those things will really ever hurt him, and if they do, how much will they hurt him? Just like everyone has different longing for pleasure, they have different pain tolerances. Think closely and we’ll realize that when we don’t think before starting to instill fear in the minds of our children or ourselves, we are feeding perceptions and experiences that we’ve never actually had. That’s like disliking the food that we’ve never tasted or hating the man for a crime that he has never committed. And fear has as they say –

“Clearly, all fear has an element of resistance and a leaning away from the moment. Its dynamic is not unlike that of strong desire except that fear leans backward into the last safe moment while desire leans forward toward the next possibility of satisfaction. Each lacks presence. (29)”
― Stephen LevineA Year to Live: How to Live This Year as If It Were Your Last

Resistance is the ceiling that is tough to break through. I am right there. I feel the extreme cold, wet, impeding, tough vibes from the people around me. I feel this force every time I am hit by a thought that is supposed to inspire and enthrall me and yet I am confused only because I don’t trust my instincts any more. How can I leave them behind; the people that have led me to become the miserable person I am now, the situations that have tested my morals, my patience, my perseverance, my beliefs and the quintessential – my trust. I am nothing without trust. My world revolves around it. I don’t trust myself to make better choices for myself. I don’t trust others easily. While some may argue that I can start with a clean slate, it isn’t easy for me, for there is Resistance!