Why do you conceal?

Why Do You Conceal?

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Le God – “Yo dude… Wazzzup!”

Le Me (tearing my eyes away) – “All’s fine.”

“That doesn’t sound so good.”

“No, I’m actually.. fine.”

“Are you just trying to vaguely convince yourself that you’re fine or you really are?”

“You’re my consciousness. You tell me, am I fine?”

“Woah woah woah… I know that buddy but I want to hear it from you. Are you really fine?”

“Of Course, I’m not!”

“Then why do you conceal?”

“You know it’s funny that you ask that. I conceal and yet I know that you know all my issues and I can actually have a word or two with you to sort out my issues.”

“Sticking to the question – why do you conceal?”

“You know concealing the truth is considered a form of lying itself.”

“WHY DO YOU CONCEAL?”

“Because I’m scared that what comes out from my mouth may hurt someone. I’m scared my image may be tarnished. What if it doesn’t come out right?”

“Is that your problem if what you say hurts someone else?”

“But I hate to see people and things in pain. I hate it when people go through dreadful emotions like I’ve done and I understand that if I hide something I may save the other person that much anguish.”

“For how many people will you bother to uphold this responsibility?”

“As many as I can.”

“So you’ll be a two-faced liar to yourself all your life. You’ll be fair to someone and unfair to some. Your behaviour will vary with who’s standing in front of you. Is that how you want the world to perceive you? A HYPOCRITE!”

“No I don’t.”

“You take the responsibility of understanding pain in others, to dry their tears, but who takes the responsibility to dry your tears, to console you when you’re down? People around you are enjoying themselves, look around! They may or may not care for you. But they definitely care for themselves and that’s the truth. They may go about their lives like you don’t even exist for them. There is no consolation for you.”

“So, what do you want me to do? Do I show my weaker side? Do I show them that the person they’re dealing with has deep lingering emotional issues and that he’s the loneliest ever right now, as he writes this piece? Do I stop gaining their trust? Do I stop making them love me?”

Le God (smiling) – “So that’s what it’s all about. You want people to love you.”

Le Me – “What!!! Did I say that? Yes, yes, I said that. I have to give it to you man, you really are a God!”

“Noooo. I’m not your God. I’m merely your consciousness, the one that you’ve created since your birth.”

“So, are you saying that when I started to trust you blindly, you knew that what I wanted was to worship someone else and you waited till I could realize my folly?”

“Do you think so?”

“Yes, I do…. NOW.”

“So, are you saying when I talk to you, I’m only really talking to myself and my awareness?”

“Isn’t that what consciousness means?”

“Yes, it is. Man! I suddenly don’t trust you as much as I did a few minutes back.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t trust myself. There is so much doubt with all that is right or wrong, that to choose what’s best for me is becoming a rather arduous task in itself.”

“Are you doubting me?”

“In a sense, YES!”

“What did you learn today? What have you been learning since Saturday?”

“That all existence came from the flower of life and that all objects have some form of sacred geometry within them.”

“No no. Rollback a bit. Think hard.”

“Ok, that all creation was created by Spirit and that… woah woah woah… Are you telling me that you are my spirit too?”

“Can I be?”

“But Spirits are the start, the blank, the vacuum, the point, around whom nothing ever exists and all else came from it.”

“So am I your start, your point, your vacuum, your blank?”

“I definitely came from you or you came from me… see it’s confusing again!”

“You have to find the answer yourself. Always remember that your dark days are over and your light will shine brighter now, it should enlighten others’ path.”

“If you are my conscious, you definitely come from me. But my spirit, where does that come from?”

“That’s a question you can ask yourself some other day buddy. You’ve done very well for today.”

“Thank You so much.”

to be continued…

Money For Nothing

Are you frugal?

Le Me – “Oh God! They just informed me that I won’t have my bonus next month, instead the month after that. Damn, I was thinking of taking a vacation this time. It’s been 4 years since I last sat in a forest.”

Le God – “But you could take that vacation when you have that bonus, why are you so disappointed?”

“It was only today that I had decided that I’ll have that vacation instead of paying my debt off. I was looking for places the entire day and had nearly finalized one.”

“Well why can’t you have that vacation any way? Just go for it, why wait for money? Don’t you save enough?”

“No I don’t. My relationship with money is love-hate type. We don’t match. Ever since childhood, I would rather spend my money than keep it safe, in a piggy bank. In that way, I’m rather frivolous.”

“Why do you think does that happen? Why can’t you save it?”

“I’ve never thought of that frankly. It’s just that my enjoyment and fulfilment have often been my primary target. I believe that being depraved of pleasure is my primary aching point. Nothing comes atop my pleasure. Being thrifty is just not my property. I remember stealing money from my father’s pocket to buy a watch and a compass box. I also used my excess pocket money almost immediately and got into bad habits.”

“He he… Glad you have the heart to admit. Still, how do you derive pleasure from owning things?”

“I don’t know. I’ll tell you another trait of mine. All the things I own are only pleasurable at first and like a child I always get bored of them. If I ever tell you that I want to find my childishness, remind me of that please!”

“Sure. So, you’re not really close to any answer, are you?”

“What was the question?”

“Why can’t you save money?”

“Let me think about it. In the meanwhile, why don’t you tell me, if you know of others who spend like I do.”

“I am your consciousness. I can’t know anything that you don’t know. So, do you know of people who spend like you do?”

“Nope!”

“Think of a time when you spent a lot of money on a simple whim. And then think what triggered that spree and may be you can point to the specific pain point of yours.”

“Hmm. I was struggling with my invisible girlfriend when I got my speakers, I was struggling with a job change when I bought my bike. Hey, in fact, whenever I’ve changed my job, I’ve spent a lot. And then, all the time after that I keep struggling for money. You know I think I understand where you’re actually coming from. It’s my anxiety that triggers my silly shopping spree’s. Whenever I’m anxious, that is like all the time, I spend. And that’s why all my bad habits. Oh man! You’re too damn terrific. How did you do that?”

“Well you did that. You’re not only anxiety stricken, you have a screwed up memory as well. I just told you, that I’m your consciousness. I never figure out the answers, you do, you have all the answers, you just take time figuring them out.”

“Hmmm… A Peek Within, isn’t it?”

“Bingo!”

The Edge

It’s been a very productive weekend or let me just correct myself and say that this is the most productive Sunday of my life. Simply based on the actual knowledge I gained today, I’ve probably laid down the foundation for a lot to enter me, alleviating all fear.

Talking of fear, I realize why I so desperately wanted to shift my knowledge of the world. I thought what if I am the only one who thinks that aliens arriving to Earth is a very possible phenomenon. I know a lot of you will still disagree with me but I’m not writing to challenge any philosophy or belief system. I’m simply more than happy to now know that there are people in this world who think the way I do. People who don’t disagree with the current system but they want to mend it to include more freedom. To let creators create, let the teachers learn for themselves by experimenting and to make the children think beyond what is normally around us.

What we, as in our “Cultivated and Awakened” society, have built around us is a wall so huge, so powerful that our kids fail to see what’s beyond it. We’re teaching them a whole lot more, making their curriculum tougher with more homework, more physical work, but we constantly fail to address their sensitivity. We fail to let them know that we’re there for them. That we’re creating a better world for them. They give in to the system around them so easily, it’s like slicing a knife through butter.

Only to feed your mind, here’s a bit of what I think –

Anyway, I probably now understand why exactly did I once see what I saw during my meditation. I felt the breeze, the sound of water splashing against stones, and when I opened my eyes, I saw a huge wall of single stone, wet from the bottom all the way to the top. It had tiny weed like grass with its flowers protruding through its cracks which almost made the wall look alive. It added so much drama. But then I realized that I’m in a boat, on the edge of the beach, and slowly floating away from the reality that the world has created for me. As I moved away, I found that the wall actually was a plateau, with a huge and dense forest on top of it and it ran deep into the land of the world that I was so happy to be leaving. As I kept moving away, I felt at peace and I turned around and the sun was shining at the horizon, invigorating every sense inside me, filling me with hope that one day I’ll be one with it!

Footsteps

Le God – “It was a great movie we watched today – The Fountain!”

Le Me – “Yup. I never thought something so close to what I am turning into, would land so straight in my lap.”

“How’d you get your hands on the name of the movie?”

“Well, there’s a great channel called Spirit Science on YouTube. It was one of their recommendations”.

“What did you learn from the movie?”

“That trees are truly the greatest source of life. That nothing can survive without them and that I must strive to be more like a tree.”

“Well, I agree but how do you plan to be like a tree?”

“You see,  a tree only acts for its own survival. It stands tall facing the harsh sun, the storms, the rains, sometimes it survives the flood and sometimes it doesn’t. It stands tall till it can serve by consuming what is available from the nature. It doesn’t depend on anyone else. The byproduct of its function is oxygen on which humans survive. I can never be thankful enough to all trees for they facilitate human survival and therefore, eventually mine. When a tree looks down upon me, I am filled with hope, I hear a promise, a promise to be friends till death does us apart. Then there are fruits, flowers, glue, bark, roots and shade. Everything about a tree is selfless and yet it only truly works for itself. Every tree is a living example of what every human should be. Live and let live and never let the fruit of your actions be the goal of your existence. Did you notice how protagonist of the movie tries to get a tree to survive? Because that’s the source, that’s where all life births from. That’s where it shows how all life is being destroyed by a random action triggered by a human. And yet the movie keeps the sanctity of nature alive by letting the circle of life complete by itself, whether be it by disease culminating into death. And even in death, a tree decomposes to give all that it can to Mother Earth. You can’t cheat death but you can definitely ascertain that you live longer and more in harmony with nature by respecting it, treating it as equal, and valuing all that it gives us. We’re doing no justice to our own species by not letting the nature take its normal course of action. And that in the end, we’ll have to run towards it for our own survival when there’ll not be much of it left to support us.”

“Do you think you are doing enough to reverse this dangerous trend of destruction?”

“No, I don’t. All I’m helping with and doing on my part is trying to stem the damage but it clearly isn’t enough.”

“Hmmm… Sounds kinda sad.”

“I know. It’ll take a tremendously collective effort to educate people and reverse the damaging trends and habits that our past generations have imbibed in our heads. It’ll take a resolve so great, it has to be like the meditation of a single human being for a 1000 years summed into a single day. We’ve followed, for eons, the misguided footsteps that our forefathers left for us. It’s time now to change the path and follow the right direction. To let the nature see that we take it seriously and that we value its contribution in our lives. People are working towards it and it’ll take all their perseverance, hardwork, resolve and necessary contribution from the rest of us to save our planet, save our trees.”

Am I Fearless?

Let the conversation begin.

Le God – “When are you scared?”

Le Me – “I am scared when I have done something wrong.”

“Is that the only time when you’re scared son?”.

“Yes, as far as I can remember.”

“What happened when you were shivering in that hospital once?”

“You saw!!!??? You remember?”

“Oh yeah dude! Don’t you ever forget that what you know I know, what you see I see, what you hear I hear, I feel all that you feel – all your pain, emotions, all your sensations, I am your soul, I AM YOU.”

Le Me (head bowed) – “That night in hospital was the worst night. I was made to take some decisions, and I took them, and they have changed my life into what it is today.”

“Do you realize that what you are and what you have today is the grace of your deeds and your deeds alone?”

“Yes I do.”

“So, do you think you were scared in the hospital?”

“Yes I was.”

“What do you think went on down there?”

“I was scared if I’ll ever find her. I was scared of the consequences that I may have to face had something were to happen to her. I was scared of what people will think of me. All my fears precipitated at once. It was a mixture of emotions. I felt scared for her. I know she is fragile. I had no idea how she would react to panic. Was she even alive? Things were pretty out of my control.”

“Will you call this mixture of emotions as your love for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you say that you don’t trust her?”

“Because I didn’t. I couldn’t have trusted her with any version of her story especially with the way she had been with me for the past few months before the incident. What was real for me then was my own experience. The only real thing in my life then were my emotions, my fears. I couldn’t have placed my self-respect in the hands of anyone else then.”

“Do you think you handled the situation well?”

“Yes.”

“Is there nothing you could have done better?”

“It was my inability to trust her then that stopped me from dragging the situation with law. Who knows if I had had the courage and her trust in me, I would have gone ahead and pushed to have the culprits apprehended.”

“Why do you think she didn’t trust you?”

“I could always tell when she was lying to me. She isn’t very good with the lies. I had caught her many times trying to fool me. So clearly if she was lying to me, there were secrets that she couldn’t tell me because she never trusted me.”

“Do you trust her now?”

“I don’t care about trusting her anymore.”

“What if a similar situation were to repeat? What would you do?”

“Please don’t say that. I’m really scared of facing that situation again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I value freedom. I can’t control her free will. I couldn’t then, I can’t now. I value my freedom beyond all measures. And so I know she would value it too.”

“Should it matter to you if she values her freedom as much as you do?”

“No. But there’s a principle involved and it’s purely mine. No one else’s. I have to grant the same degree of freedom to everyone as much I grant to myself. Freedom to think, to act, to have faith, any faith.”

“So, what if that situation repeats?”

“I’ll probably be smarter now and not make the same mistakes again.”

“Is this what you wanted? Is this how you wanted your today to be? Are you satisfied with it?”

“Yes. I can’t control if she has learnt from her past. But I have taken my lessons.”

“What are they?”

“To never let my self-respect be placed in the hands of anyone else but mine especially someone or something that can’t be controlled. Nothing comes above and beyond it. Then I placed it in the hands of the trust that I didn’t have from her and which was beyond my control. But then that’s the danger you face when you get married.”

“So was this the reason your hands were trembling then?”

Le Me (looking up, smiling) – “Yes.”

So are you fearless now?”

“Yes.”

Conversation to be continued…

Thank You – 23 February 2016

Thank you life – for having me, nurturing me, and letting me enjoy the beautiful path that you’ve set out for me, all the while I realize that it’s not what you set but what I set for myself. All my actions result in fruits for myself. I am the creator of everything that comes to me. It was all created for me and all of it serves the best version of their services to me. And I thank them for it from my heart.
I thank my office, my home, my family for serving me dutifully and bringing abundance to me. I love you all. I love and approve of myself. I am willing to change. I am open to all that elevated me to let me meet my higher self.
Good Night !

Thank You – 21 February 2016

Thank you life for having me, for nurturing me, for taking care of me,for letting me give while receiving abundantly. I realize that you have a plan for me, the signs to which are yet awaited. To my dearest angels and my higher self, I devote this magnificent day to you. Right from the morning to the night, you have been benevolent and you humble me.
Thank you for blessing me and I know that you’ll always take care of me, cherish me, all the while guiding me. Cheers to the day that we’re about to start.
I love and approve of myself. I am one of God’s perfect creations. I am open and willing to all change. I am ready to accept all that will elevate me and let me meet my higher self.
Good night!

Thank You – 20 February 2016

Thank You Life for having me, for nurturing me, giving me a chance to provide while receiving so benevolently. I thank you for the food that I ate, the chefs who created it, the boy who delivered it. I thank Doreen Virtue for the most amazing meditation audio ever. It totally made my day. I feel really light and energized, prepared for many more battles to come.
And I, from the bottom of my heart, am grateful and gratuitous to the angels who are here as my guests to bless me and enjoy with me. I thank my wife for being a part of this awesome day and spending so much quality time with me after ages. I thank my parents for being healthy. I send all my love to every person I know to let them have one of the best days of their lives tomorrow.
I love and approve of myself. I am willing to change. I am open to all that elevates me to my higher self, my God, myself. I am loved and I love everyone unconditionally.
Good night!

Superstitions and Awareness

It’s been a while since I started asking life to guide me rather than let me guide the life. For once, I want to get rid of the power and responsibility that has for so long bogged me down. I just need indications, some as subtle as a breeze, some as powerful as an emotion that tears apart any thought that may misguide me. I get them, in numbers, in colors, in sounds, in aromas, and in the random images in my head for I need to know my patterns.

About these sensations, it’s tough to start feeling them. They don’t come so easy. But once you do start to feel them, they are absolutely precious and you don’t want to let them go. You treasure them, remember them and start associating them to your random actions that may have triggered them. And these are what I call superstitions.

“Oh, now I understand why I’m having such a bad day at work… I forgot my handkerchief”.

Alright this one happened to me, about 3 years ago and I remember it as clear as day that it was – I was leaving for my office when I stepped on a piece of cow-dung while getting on my bike. Now, as a normal plan of action created in haste would be, I tried cleaning my shoe against a stone and started on my journey not realizing the kind of peril I am indulging in. A kilometer from my house and I met with an accident because someone in a real Indian haste, had popped into the wrong lane and banged into me. Now it was easy for me to start yelling at the stupidity of that moment but the fact that nothing had happened to me prevented me from taking any further action.

I now look back to that day and see how I may have averted that action myself. I now realize that while all of it seems to be the fault of the person coming in the wrong lane, my foot had slipped too, off from the brake pedal because of the dung that had stuck to my shoe which took me a bit farther even when I did apply the pressure on the pedal in time. Also, what haste did to me was, took me away from the necessary action of washing my shoe sole before leaving for work. What was I thinking going to work with dung sticking to my shoe?

Not that I have to forgive myself for the accident or the other person for the accident but that’s how life is – unpredictable. Both he and I had laid the foundation for an accident way before we actually met with one. They are just actions – unknown and unpredictable. We never went out to hurt each other intentionally and thankfully we didn’t but these are situations that lay the perfect ground for a superstition –

“Never in my life must I leave my house if I’ve stepped onto cow dung, much like never step a foot across the line in which a black cat has crossed the road.”

In fact, coming to think of it, I have actually fallen off my bicycle after a black cat crossed the road, but that was way back when I was a child and didn’t know what to make of it. Ahhh… a child’s mind, its innocence and what would I give to have it now. However, cometh a superstition, and followeth the remedy – and only heaven knows what form of depravity will that be made of. Brooms, potatoes, bananas, combined with wizardry and sorcery, with incense sticks burning – man, just give me all of that and I’ll surely put them to their respective uses than killing the demons of my action.

Now, the awareness of the situation could have made me think of the damage that I may cause to people in case I couldn’t press the brake pedal with the dung-laden foot. But who knew?! And only in the interest of other humans, I should have washed my shoe. That is what we all must do – take a minute and think of the damage that our actions may cause to other humans. We must always be thoughtful of the physical damage that we may cause to others.

And awareness will always kill superstitions. Never let your inner guidance rise to the level of superstitions. If the guidance comes and you realize it, it will come again, in the same form or the other. Just, be patient. Nature made you and it’ll surely guide you.

 

Resistance

Pronunciation –

re·sist·ance rəˈzistəns

Definition –

the refusal to accept or comply with something; the attempt to prevent something by action or argument.

  • armed or violent opposition.
  • a secret organization resisting authority, especially in an occupied country.
  • the underground movement formed in France during World War II to fight the German occupying forces and the Vichy government.
  • the impeding, slowing, or stopping effect exerted by one material thing on another.

the ability not to be affected by something, especially adversely.

  • lack of sensitivity to a drug, insecticide, etc., especially as a result of continued exposure or genetic change.

the degree to which a substance or device opposes the passage of an electric current, causing energy dissipation. Ohm’s law resistance (measured in ohms) is equal to the voltage divided by the current.

  • a resistor or other circuit component that opposes the passage of an electric current.

—————————-***************—————————

I’m realizing and recognizing the patterns that resistance creates within me. This force is the strongest wall that exists inside me and it’s as magical, mystical as it is natural, exoteric. It’s built of an accumulated wealth of my perceptions of pain and pleasure and others’ definitions of what births happiness and sorrow.

Why did I create this wall? From right when I was born, I was fed how to react to pain and pleasure differently. Pain and pleasure are polar opposites. While pain by definition is a symptom of (feelings of) hurt and hence, unwanted; pleasure by definition is something or someone that provides a source of happiness, and hence, it’s an experience sought by everyone.

Since my younger days, I’ve miscalculated pain and pleasure and I think I feel differently about their degrees of effect on me. While due to all the safe modern equipment, I am kept safe from physical hurt and hence, lesser physical pain, I do experience significant emotional pain from time to time. For some reason, rather unknown to me, I’ve realized that it is me who invites and applies that pain to myself. There is a rather self-destructing sound to it and I’m not very proud of it. And therefore, I created a wall inside me, that filters what goes in and what goes out.

All that permeates my skin encounters this barrier repeatedly. While some of the external forces that touch this wall dissipate effortlessly into rainbows, others are miraculously absorbed into it, only making it stronger. It’s a wall so high, it can only be the manifestation of a heart battered and bruised from brutalities and yet it is as strong and seamless like new. There seem no fissures, no holes that adorn it or maybe I’ve just not looked close enough.

It’s funny to think that I let my resistance keep me away from the enriching experiences of the world only because they served others differently.

Yet it’s amazing that this resistance keeps me. It maintains me. It keeps off the bad and allows the good, sparsely though. My egos – the alter and physical one alike feed on resistance. It’s the keeper of the most powerful frictional energy inside my mind. It’s an energy barrier that carries with it the fear of the known and unknown alike. Resistance is the culmination of a two faced monster called choice.

I think the only choice that we don’t have is of death. Else we choose at every living moment. Choice spoils us. Choices are mostly tough yet, can be easy. Choices, depending on their effect, can be classified into: good, neutral, and bad. The only downside of not choosing well is that it leaves with the longing for the other, better alternative. Otherwise, the purpose of a choice – good, neutral, or bad – is to lead you to another choice. A choice is never singular, in that I mean, no choice can be made to have no effect. The only thing consistent about choice is that every choice has an effect even if it was made to choose between bad and neutral. A choice always leaves you with a path that you’ve chosen – and thus friction. The friction between the types of choices we have to make every day and live with them, live in them. The memory of every choice rots us from the inside by pinning us to the past. A past that has choices as many as we’ll make in the future. But then we’re stuck to the future, one that we haven’t yet seen, a future that we can only plan on seeing, a future that is only as plausible as the result of the flip of a coin.

Resistance is a two way street. While the way in which the writer will eventually portray it, is negative, yet it is equally positive. In fact, when a child is born, society does  condition its children to first build a wall around them. Don’t do this, don’t do that! Parents teach their children to resist all that has been bad for them or for the equivalent others. While some of the resistance, and hence, fears, they feed a child with, are what you eventually need to survive, a mind can easily be disillusioned by the choices that he has at hand. While properly educated choices lead to better decisions, the choices made with half-baked knowledge often lead to failures. Failures increase the resistance to ever face such choices again and this is when resistance births fear. Human brain, as noisome as it is, doesn’t always know when to stop imparting the half-baked knowledge that resides inside it. Society breeds fear in the child’s mind about things that are supposed to hurt him. But they really aren’t aware if those things will really ever hurt him, and if they do, how much will they hurt him? Just like everyone has different longing for pleasure, they have different pain tolerances. Think closely and we’ll realize that when we don’t think before starting to instill fear in the minds of our children or ourselves, we are feeding perceptions and experiences that we’ve never actually had. That’s like disliking the food that we’ve never tasted or hating the man for a crime that he has never committed. And fear has as they say –

“Clearly, all fear has an element of resistance and a leaning away from the moment. Its dynamic is not unlike that of strong desire except that fear leans backward into the last safe moment while desire leans forward toward the next possibility of satisfaction. Each lacks presence. (29)”
― Stephen LevineA Year to Live: How to Live This Year as If It Were Your Last

Resistance is the ceiling that is tough to break through. I am right there. I feel the extreme cold, wet, impeding, tough vibes from the people around me. I feel this force every time I am hit by a thought that is supposed to inspire and enthrall me and yet I am confused only because I don’t trust my instincts any more. How can I leave them behind; the people that have led me to become the miserable person I am now, the situations that have tested my morals, my patience, my perseverance, my beliefs and the quintessential – my trust. I am nothing without trust. My world revolves around it. I don’t trust myself to make better choices for myself. I don’t trust others easily. While some may argue that I can start with a clean slate, it isn’t easy for me, for there is Resistance!