The Wall

I watched this video and started to think about myself again. How many chakras must the spirit in me have connected to? And I’m only talking about the basic 7 chakras. I asked myself – “how secure do I feel I am”?

The answer from inside was a shudder so powerful, I nearly fell off my chair. I realized, I have to start from basics again. I have to start working on myself again.

I’ve been thinking since 2 days now and I’ve realized that I can’t blame myself or anyone else if I feel insecure. This is something I should have worked upon very early but then who knew then that I’d have to delve so deep inside of me for answers that no one else on this planet has for me. Call it conditioning that I always look towards the world for answers that I should have had a long time ago. All others can only guide me to, may be at best, decipher the messages I get from within me. How foolish have I been all along!

I feel security of self, let’s call it self-security, is the basis of all things human. From the time we’re born, the first thing that our parents should give us is a sense of security about the world around us, to let us alleviate the first fears about the first people we feel around us. But I feel the need to go back 1-step. Why do we ever have to feel fear in the first place when we’re only just born? Or do our parents try and remove all possible sources of fear from around us only guided by their intuition which could be as fragile as a grass straw or to call it plainly – wrong? Their logic or thinking can be attributed to only one cause – their responsibility of providing us with a nurturing environment to grow up without a single hiccup. My worry in all this is – is their fear the compressed source of all fears that we face as a child? Do we borrow their fears to return their favor of bringing us into this world?

Now think about the case as follows – a child is born and sees parents who’re beyond several definitions of ecstatic. They are so elated that eyes can’t contain the excitement and they keep falling short of breaths while simply admiring your beauty. Yes, they’re still trying to hold you the best way possible, gently passing you around the arms of the other well-wishers. Yet instead of enjoying the moment, they start noticing the way, others are holding their child and is it the best that they can do? The new parents are worried of course whether be it that you are in more capable hands than their own. Does this fear sound irrational? Or is it the culmination of the unsurmountable distrust in all of humanity that no one except you can do the best for their child? Think about the number of injuries and numerous stabs that the parents individually would have gone through before they decided to get married and bring you into this world. They can and will only rely on their experience. That’s the way they have learnt in this world even though the knowledge mostly came from the all-knowing Google. I won’t even touch the fears that parents experience when you are being formed inside the womb or the fears after the passing-the-parcel match I described above. Can you think that right from the moment the parents hear the news that you may be on your way, they start to fear and fear they will, for and about you, all through their lives till they are alive. Is that irrational?

Yes, I understand I may be describing my situation here as well, as to why I don’t want to be a father right now. This may be the fear that’s eating me up but this discussion is for later.

So, take that 1 step ahead now from which we had stepped back. You’re growing up fast, blossoming every full moon, and then one day you see or learn something horrifying about either one of your parents. And you have no one to talk to – neither the other parent nor any of your siblings. So you silently dump the shit, take the bitter pill and go back to sleep, never knowing that this is the first of the innumerable and insufferable disturbing nights you’re preparing to have in the coming years. You see the culprit parent each day and they love you or pretend to love you and from here starts the cycle of distrust that’ll repeat till you’re absolutely full of the hurt which will never heal itself. If you can’t trust the only people who would supposedly die for you, will you ever trust anyone ever again? Think about the impact that such a simple situation would have on the psyche of the child that was only starting to make friends and see the more colorful pieces of life.

Jump ahead 20 years. Nothing has changed – the fake promises, the false semblances of love, the hateful backstabs. And I thought, I may have come ahead 32 years of my life from my birth, but I’ve never really developed my root chakra, the most important chakra in the development of a human. Think of a person who doesn’t trust anyone fully enough to confide in them, to support them, to love them without seeking something in return – this guy is a total mess and I guess so am I. I may have touched other chakras but without the root chakra, I don’t even trust the development of my inner self. Where am I and how far have I come? How much work do I need to do on myself? Will it ever end? Will it ever come to true fruition? What will death look like?

In such situations, a person can take either of the following 2 paths –

  1. Create a wall around himself, learning from experiences, torturing himself silently for every mistake he makes and vowing to return stronger every time he falls for he alone can support himself. Whether he does return stronger is a completely different story altogether. A person who creates a wall around himself and so fragile that everything around him pains him to the core. He’s learnt to accommodate pain just like he accommodates the people that hurt him every day and yet never trusting even the air that he lives on. Food hates him and so does water. He relies on logics but logics are a mere culmination of his experiences and academic learnings. Think of this guy’s logic – how negative will it be? He will never ever trust his intuition.
  2. The other way to go about it is to keep trusting everyone, no walls, but he keeps falling into the same trap again and again for he’s never ever truly learnt from his mistakes. The same type of friends, relatives, lovers – people who will only use him and throw him away. He tells people that he goes about trusting people by his intuition but think about the intuition that would have made him trust the people who fail him again and again. How much hurt is he going to see in his life? Is it time already to build that wall?

None of the situations is ideal. There may be a third choice which I am yet unaware of but that’s how things have panned out for me. Now think of the gazillion others just like me who refuse to believe in anything. What kind of world are we on the way to create for ourselves and others?

I pray for myself to get over my insecurities fast so I can start to trust myself and thus, connect to chakras better and faster for there is no other stronger need for me than to connect to my higher self and be that living light that shines the path for others in the best way possible.

Let me leave you with the original wall –

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Refresh

Le Buddy – “Do you think that you’ve been studying all wrong all your life?”

Le Me – “I’m really starting to think of it.”

“What is it that you think you need to change? Where should you start?”

“I think I need to begin with learning to ask the right questions at the right time. Never hesitate. I think curiosity is a must to build fresh perspectives. We’ve gotten very comfortable in our skins. Everything is so set in its routine, especially our knowledge and where it comes from, I think we need to start thinking anew to know our roots, “our” meaning the roots of humans.”

“Why do you want to go so far back?”

“Because I think that only then will we truly start to understand our value, the true value of all that we get from Mother Earth and the universe. We have to get to the beginning when it all started, to learn that all of us are equally sacred and all the negativity that separates us today is our own creation and no one else’s. It’s definitely not what life would have wanted us to be. We need to understand the oneness of our life, understand the union of our body and soul, to truly understand our function. I think we’ve lost our way and only now are we at the beginning when we can change everything around us. Build something new and great, do it for yourself and don’t be afraid to give and share, for it’ll all return to you. At every living moment we must remember and acknowledge that this universe runs on trade and balance will automatically happen. We need to pursue the multiplication of happiness.”

“Well, these are pretty big words.”

“Yes! But the actions required are small. Save water, plant trees, harness renewable energy which truly is abundantly available to us, stop creating plastic, use all our technology only to preserve what we have left. Meditate, cherish the silence of nature and the sound of your soul, try and connect with your higher self, believe in miracles and magic for it is all around us. Be empathic and watch how your children grow into beings and teach them to be good to mankind. I can go on and on but all of this is pretty simple. Let the nature know that you are working for it and not fighting against it and see the difference happening. Spread awareness but don’t infuse fear. Create!”

“All of this will surely refresh our perspective.”

Why do you conceal?

Why Do You Conceal?

Le God – “Yo dude… Wazzzup!”

Le Me (tearing my eyes away) – “All’s fine.”

“That doesn’t sound so good.”

“No, I’m actually.. fine.”

“Are you just trying to vaguely convince yourself that you’re fine or you really are?”

“You’re my consciousness. You tell me, am I fine?”

“Woah woah woah… I know that buddy but I want to hear it from you. Are you really fine?”

“Of Course, I’m not!”

“Then why do you conceal?”

“You know it’s funny that you ask that. I conceal and yet I know that you know all my issues and I can actually have a word or two with you to sort out my issues.”

“Sticking to the question – why do you conceal?”

“You know concealing the truth is considered a form of lying itself.”

“WHY DO YOU CONCEAL?”

“Because I’m scared that what comes out from my mouth may hurt someone. I’m scared my image may be tarnished. What if it doesn’t come out right?”

“Is that your problem if what you say hurts someone else?”

“But I hate to see people and things in pain. I hate it when people go through dreadful emotions like I’ve done and I understand that if I hide something I may save the other person that much anguish.”

“For how many people will you bother to uphold this responsibility?”

“As many as I can.”

“So you’ll be a two-faced liar to yourself all your life. You’ll be fair to someone and unfair to some. Your behaviour will vary with who’s standing in front of you. Is that how you want the world to perceive you? A HYPOCRITE!”

“No I don’t.”

“You take the responsibility of understanding pain in others, to dry their tears, but who takes the responsibility to dry your tears, to console you when you’re down? People around you are enjoying themselves, look around! They may or may not care for you. But they definitely care for themselves and that’s the truth. They may go about their lives like you don’t even exist for them. There is no consolation for you.”

“So, what do you want me to do? Do I show my weaker side? Do I show them that the person they’re dealing with has deep lingering emotional issues and that he’s the loneliest ever right now, as he writes this piece? Do I stop gaining their trust? Do I stop making them love me?”

Le God (smiling) – “So that’s what it’s all about. You want people to love you.”

Le Me – “What!!! Did I say that? Yes, yes, I said that. I have to give it to you man, you really are a God!”

“Noooo. I’m not your God. I’m merely your consciousness, the one that you’ve created since your birth.”

“So, are you saying that when I started to trust you blindly, you knew that what I wanted was to worship someone else and you waited till I could realize my folly?”

“Do you think so?”

“Yes, I do…. NOW.”

“So, are you saying when I talk to you, I’m only really talking to myself and my awareness?”

“Isn’t that what consciousness means?”

“Yes, it is. Man! I suddenly don’t trust you as much as I did a few minutes back.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t trust myself. There is so much doubt with all that is right or wrong, that to choose what’s best for me is becoming a rather arduous task in itself.”

“Are you doubting me?”

“In a sense, YES!”

“What did you learn today? What have you been learning since Saturday?”

“That all existence came from the flower of life and that all objects have some form of sacred geometry within them.”

“No no. Rollback a bit. Think hard.”

“Ok, that all creation was created by Spirit and that… woah woah woah… Are you telling me that you are my spirit too?”

“Can I be?”

“But Spirits are the start, the blank, the vacuum, the point, around whom nothing ever exists and all else came from it.”

“So am I your start, your point, your vacuum, your blank?”

“I definitely came from you or you came from me… see it’s confusing again!”

“You have to find the answer yourself. Always remember that your dark days are over and your light will shine brighter now, it should enlighten others’ path.”

“If you are my conscious, you definitely come from me. But my spirit, where does that come from?”

“That’s a question you can ask yourself some other day buddy. You’ve done very well for today.”

“Thank You so much.”

to be continued…

Money For Nothing

Are you frugal?

Le Me – “Oh God! They just informed me that I won’t have my bonus next month, instead the month after that. Damn, I was thinking of taking a vacation this time. It’s been 4 years since I last sat in a forest.”

Le God – “But you could take that vacation when you have that bonus, why are you so disappointed?”

“It was only today that I had decided that I’ll have that vacation instead of paying my debt off. I was looking for places the entire day and had nearly finalized one.”

“Well why can’t you have that vacation any way? Just go for it, why wait for money? Don’t you save enough?”

“No I don’t. My relationship with money is love-hate type. We don’t match. Ever since childhood, I would rather spend my money than keep it safe, in a piggy bank. In that way, I’m rather frivolous.”

“Why do you think does that happen? Why can’t you save it?”

“I’ve never thought of that frankly. It’s just that my enjoyment and fulfilment have often been my primary target. I believe that being depraved of pleasure is my primary aching point. Nothing comes atop my pleasure. Being thrifty is just not my property. I remember stealing money from my father’s pocket to buy a watch and a compass box. I also used my excess pocket money almost immediately and got into bad habits.”

“He he… Glad you have the heart to admit. Still, how do you derive pleasure from owning things?”

“I don’t know. I’ll tell you another trait of mine. All the things I own are only pleasurable at first and like a child I always get bored of them. If I ever tell you that I want to find my childishness, remind me of that please!”

“Sure. So, you’re not really close to any answer, are you?”

“What was the question?”

“Why can’t you save money?”

“Let me think about it. In the meanwhile, why don’t you tell me, if you know of others who spend like I do.”

“I am your consciousness. I can’t know anything that you don’t know. So, do you know of people who spend like you do?”

“Nope!”

“Think of a time when you spent a lot of money on a simple whim. And then think what triggered that spree and may be you can point to the specific pain point of yours.”

“Hmm. I was struggling with my invisible girlfriend when I got my speakers, I was struggling with a job change when I bought my bike. Hey, in fact, whenever I’ve changed my job, I’ve spent a lot. And then, all the time after that I keep struggling for money. You know I think I understand where you’re actually coming from. It’s my anxiety that triggers my silly shopping spree’s. Whenever I’m anxious, that is like all the time, I spend. And that’s why all my bad habits. Oh man! You’re too damn terrific. How did you do that?”

“Well you did that. You’re not only anxiety stricken, you have a screwed up memory as well. I just told you, that I’m your consciousness. I never figure out the answers, you do, you have all the answers, you just take time figuring them out.”

“Hmmm… A Peek Within, isn’t it?”

“Bingo!”

The Edge

It’s been a very productive weekend or let me just correct myself and say that this is the most productive Sunday of my life. Simply based on the actual knowledge I gained today, I’ve probably laid down the foundation for a lot to enter me, alleviating all fear.

Talking of fear, I realize why I so desperately wanted to shift my knowledge of the world. I thought what if I am the only one who thinks that aliens arriving to Earth is a very possible phenomenon. I know a lot of you will still disagree with me but I’m not writing to challenge any philosophy or belief system. I’m simply more than happy to now know that there are people in this world who think the way I do. People who don’t disagree with the current system but they want to mend it to include more freedom. To let creators create, let the teachers learn for themselves by experimenting and to make the children think beyond what is normally around us.

What we, as in our “Cultivated and Awakened” society, have built around us is a wall so huge, so powerful that our kids fail to see what’s beyond it. We’re teaching them a whole lot more, making their curriculum tougher with more homework, more physical work, but we constantly fail to address their sensitivity. We fail to let them know that we’re there for them. That we’re creating a better world for them. They give in to the system around them so easily, it’s like slicing a knife through butter.

Only to feed your mind, here’s a bit of what I think –

Anyway, I probably now understand why exactly did I once see what I saw during my meditation. I felt the breeze, the sound of water splashing against stones, and when I opened my eyes, I saw a huge wall of single stone, wet from the bottom all the way to the top. It had tiny weed like grass with its flowers protruding through its cracks which almost made the wall look alive. It added so much drama. But then I realized that I’m in a boat, on the edge of the beach, and slowly floating away from the reality that the world has created for me. As I moved away, I found that the wall actually was a plateau, with a huge and dense forest on top of it and it ran deep into the land of the world that I was so happy to be leaving. As I kept moving away, I felt at peace and I turned around and the sun was shining at the horizon, invigorating every sense inside me, filling me with hope that one day I’ll be one with it!

Footsteps

Le God – “It was a great movie we watched today – The Fountain!”

Le Me – “Yup. I never thought something so close to what I am turning into, would land so straight in my lap.”

“How’d you get your hands on the name of the movie?”

“Well, there’s a great channel called Spirit Science on YouTube. It was one of their recommendations”.

“What did you learn from the movie?”

“That trees are truly the greatest source of life. That nothing can survive without them and that I must strive to be more like a tree.”

“Well, I agree but how do you plan to be like a tree?”

“You see,  a tree only acts for its own survival. It stands tall facing the harsh sun, the storms, the rains, sometimes it survives the flood and sometimes it doesn’t. It stands tall till it can serve by consuming what is available from the nature. It doesn’t depend on anyone else. The byproduct of its function is oxygen on which humans survive. I can never be thankful enough to all trees for they facilitate human survival and therefore, eventually mine. When a tree looks down upon me, I am filled with hope, I hear a promise, a promise to be friends till death does us apart. Then there are fruits, flowers, glue, bark, roots and shade. Everything about a tree is selfless and yet it only truly works for itself. Every tree is a living example of what every human should be. Live and let live and never let the fruit of your actions be the goal of your existence. Did you notice how protagonist of the movie tries to get a tree to survive? Because that’s the source, that’s where all life births from. That’s where it shows how all life is being destroyed by a random action triggered by a human. And yet the movie keeps the sanctity of nature alive by letting the circle of life complete by itself, whether be it by disease culminating into death. And even in death, a tree decomposes to give all that it can to Mother Earth. You can’t cheat death but you can definitely ascertain that you live longer and more in harmony with nature by respecting it, treating it as equal, and valuing all that it gives us. We’re doing no justice to our own species by not letting the nature take its normal course of action. And that in the end, we’ll have to run towards it for our own survival when there’ll not be much of it left to support us.”

“Do you think you are doing enough to reverse this dangerous trend of destruction?”

“No, I don’t. All I’m helping with and doing on my part is trying to stem the damage but it clearly isn’t enough.”

“Hmmm… Sounds kinda sad.”

“I know. It’ll take a tremendously collective effort to educate people and reverse the damaging trends and habits that our past generations have imbibed in our heads. It’ll take a resolve so great, it has to be like the meditation of a single human being for a 1000 years summed into a single day. We’ve followed, for eons, the misguided footsteps that our forefathers left for us. It’s time now to change the path and follow the right direction. To let the nature see that we take it seriously and that we value its contribution in our lives. People are working towards it and it’ll take all their perseverance, hardwork, resolve and necessary contribution from the rest of us to save our planet, save our trees.”

Am I Fearless?

Let the conversation begin.

Le God – “When are you scared?”

Le Me – “I am scared when I have done something wrong.”

“Is that the only time when you’re scared son?”.

“Yes, as far as I can remember.”

“What happened when you were shivering in that hospital once?”

“You saw!!!??? You remember?”

“Oh yeah dude! Don’t you ever forget that what you know I know, what you see I see, what you hear I hear, I feel all that you feel – all your pain, emotions, all your sensations, I am your soul, I AM YOU.”

Le Me (head bowed) – “That night in hospital was the worst night. I was made to take some decisions, and I took them, and they have changed my life into what it is today.”

“Do you realize that what you are and what you have today is the grace of your deeds and your deeds alone?”

“Yes I do.”

“So, do you think you were scared in the hospital?”

“Yes I was.”

“What do you think went on down there?”

“I was scared if I’ll ever find her. I was scared of the consequences that I may have to face had something were to happen to her. I was scared of what people will think of me. All my fears precipitated at once. It was a mixture of emotions. I felt scared for her. I know she is fragile. I had no idea how she would react to panic. Was she even alive? Things were pretty out of my control.”

“Will you call this mixture of emotions as your love for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you say that you don’t trust her?”

“Because I didn’t. I couldn’t have trusted her with any version of her story especially with the way she had been with me for the past few months before the incident. What was real for me then was my own experience. The only real thing in my life then were my emotions, my fears. I couldn’t have placed my self-respect in the hands of anyone else then.”

“Do you think you handled the situation well?”

“Yes.”

“Is there nothing you could have done better?”

“It was my inability to trust her then that stopped me from dragging the situation with law. Who knows if I had had the courage and her trust in me, I would have gone ahead and pushed to have the culprits apprehended.”

“Why do you think she didn’t trust you?”

“I could always tell when she was lying to me. She isn’t very good with the lies. I had caught her many times trying to fool me. So clearly if she was lying to me, there were secrets that she couldn’t tell me because she never trusted me.”

“Do you trust her now?”

“I don’t care about trusting her anymore.”

“What if a similar situation were to repeat? What would you do?”

“Please don’t say that. I’m really scared of facing that situation again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I value freedom. I can’t control her free will. I couldn’t then, I can’t now. I value my freedom beyond all measures. And so I know she would value it too.”

“Should it matter to you if she values her freedom as much as you do?”

“No. But there’s a principle involved and it’s purely mine. No one else’s. I have to grant the same degree of freedom to everyone as much I grant to myself. Freedom to think, to act, to have faith, any faith.”

“So, what if that situation repeats?”

“I’ll probably be smarter now and not make the same mistakes again.”

“Is this what you wanted? Is this how you wanted your today to be? Are you satisfied with it?”

“Yes. I can’t control if she has learnt from her past. But I have taken my lessons.”

“What are they?”

“To never let my self-respect be placed in the hands of anyone else but mine especially someone or something that can’t be controlled. Nothing comes above and beyond it. Then I placed it in the hands of the trust that I didn’t have from her and which was beyond my control. But then that’s the danger you face when you get married.”

“So was this the reason your hands were trembling then?”

Le Me (looking up, smiling) – “Yes.”

So are you fearless now?”

“Yes.”

Conversation to be continued…

I Forgot to Forgive, Express Gratitude and Seek Forgiveness

32 years and 9 days later, I answer the question that should have hit me when I hit my puberty “What did I forget?”. Thank You Sreejit for bringing it across me, for this is what I’ve lacked – True Forgiveness and Unrelenting Gratitude.

In this mayhem to get ahead in life, earn money, survive, and become the twinkle in someone’s eye, I lost mine. And today, during the most auspicious period in Hindu calendar – Diwali, I lay bare my demons, slay them finally, and move on. I forgot and failed to FORGIVE and I now make up for it.

Today I won’t question the motive of the demons that hurt me – I will only forgive you all. My process has cleared the clutter that has resided deep inside my head and heart, colluding my judgement, and severing my path to reach the higher me. I’ve realized that it’s only me who gave the clutter the space that it clearly never deserved.

I pledge to myself and promise my inner child that you are and will forever be in my thoughts. I now care for you and I’ll never forget you. You and I have lived long enough to understand that this load on our shoulders isn’t ours to carry. I will no longer let my power reside outside my body. I will only serve myself and the world through my higher self.

Forgiveness-Quotes-42

And I now decide to get rid of all my past and I believe that nothing will work better for me than forgiveness and gratitude. I hereby forgive everyone who has ever given me pain, suffering, and humiliation in any form. I forgive everyone who has broken my heart and forsaken me. And above all, I forgive everyone who has ever betrayed my trust. I now look at you in the same light as mine.

gratitudequote3

I thank everyone, especially my parents and teachers to have made me capable enough to ponder upon who I can be and really want to be. Thank You everyone for forgiving me when I made mistakes – conscious or unconscious. Thank You everyone for sticking by me during my duress.Thank You for lending me your shoulders to cry on.

Now I’ve got to run towards my light, my real being, my higher self!