Am I Fearless?

Let the conversation begin.

Le God – “When are you scared?”

Le Me – “I am scared when I have done something wrong.”

“Is that the only time when you’re scared son?”.

“Yes, as far as I can remember.”

“What happened when you were shivering in that hospital once?”

“You saw!!!??? You remember?”

“Oh yeah dude! Don’t you ever forget that what you know I know, what you see I see, what you hear I hear, I feel all that you feel – all your pain, emotions, all your sensations, I am your soul, I AM YOU.”

Le Me (head bowed) – “That night in hospital was the worst night. I was made to take some decisions, and I took them, and they have changed my life into what it is today.”

“Do you realize that what you are and what you have today is the grace of your deeds and your deeds alone?”

“Yes I do.”

“So, do you think you were scared in the hospital?”

“Yes I was.”

“What do you think went on down there?”

“I was scared if I’ll ever find her. I was scared of the consequences that I may have to face had something were to happen to her. I was scared of what people will think of me. All my fears precipitated at once. It was a mixture of emotions. I felt scared for her. I know she is fragile. I had no idea how she would react to panic. Was she even alive? Things were pretty out of my control.”

“Will you call this mixture of emotions as your love for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you say that you don’t trust her?”

“Because I didn’t. I couldn’t have trusted her with any version of her story especially with the way she had been with me for the past few months before the incident. What was real for me then was my own experience. The only real thing in my life then were my emotions, my fears. I couldn’t have placed my self-respect in the hands of anyone else then.”

“Do you think you handled the situation well?”

“Yes.”

“Is there nothing you could have done better?”

“It was my inability to trust her then that stopped me from dragging the situation with law. Who knows if I had had the courage and her trust in me, I would have gone ahead and pushed to have the culprits apprehended.”

“Why do you think she didn’t trust you?”

“I could always tell when she was lying to me. She isn’t very good with the lies. I had caught her many times trying to fool me. So clearly if she was lying to me, there were secrets that she couldn’t tell me because she never trusted me.”

“Do you trust her now?”

“I don’t care about trusting her anymore.”

“What if a similar situation were to repeat? What would you do?”

“Please don’t say that. I’m really scared of facing that situation again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I value freedom. I can’t control her free will. I couldn’t then, I can’t now. I value my freedom beyond all measures. And so I know she would value it too.”

“Should it matter to you if she values her freedom as much as you do?”

“No. But there’s a principle involved and it’s purely mine. No one else’s. I have to grant the same degree of freedom to everyone as much I grant to myself. Freedom to think, to act, to have faith, any faith.”

“So, what if that situation repeats?”

“I’ll probably be smarter now and not make the same mistakes again.”

“Is this what you wanted? Is this how you wanted your today to be? Are you satisfied with it?”

“Yes. I can’t control if she has learnt from her past. But I have taken my lessons.”

“What are they?”

“To never let my self-respect be placed in the hands of anyone else but mine especially someone or something that can’t be controlled. Nothing comes above and beyond it. Then I placed it in the hands of the trust that I didn’t have from her and which was beyond my control. But then that’s the danger you face when you get married.”

“So was this the reason your hands were trembling then?”

Le Me (looking up, smiling) – “Yes.”

So are you fearless now?”

“Yes.”

Conversation to be continued…

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